I took some photos of all the kids together before we left today and from the moment I asked them to stand together Jayden was up front and ready and smiling like this in every photo. Very funny.
It's late now and everyone is in bed and I'm up. Still find it difficult to sleep but I guess that's something I've begun to accept. Some nights are better than others but most are spent thinking ways too much and not resting enough. Certainly my minds not resting.
Yesterday evening while I was cutting a piece of bread at the kitchen bench i suddenly found myself very anxious. like a wave, the anxiety washed through me. I stood there feeling the energy and thought "does this ever end". Clear scan and still stressing. I know its just part of this journey and am trying very hard to just ride these waves all the while telling myself its normal, so as not to feel like I'm truly going insane.
I've also come to realise its time I truly thought about doing something for myself like yoga or meditation or something. My dear friend has been trying to get me to the gym for sometime and my dad is always telling me to "make sure I'm looking after myself". But I really am the last person that I think about looking after. After all, I'm fine? Of course every time I write in here I remind myself that I'm not exactly 'fine', no one is in this situation but its so easy to forget to do something about it. I think I'm doing stuff by seeing a psychologist but I'm not really doing anything that's good for me, like exercise.
As I write all this down, in the back of my mind I can hear myself talking myself out of it and instead just to keep things as they are. just keep going the way I am. Because just doing what I have been doing is easier right? . But is it?
Jayden's been great today, as have my other two but he went into one of his rages again just before bed time. i truly hate seeing him like this and am at a genuine loss when he is. i try everything but he's so caught up in his emotions that it can be truly exhausting and awful to witness. My miracle worker Layla came to the rescue again and I listened near by to her doing her magic. She has the most gentle voice and the patients of a saint and wasn't giving up on him. And he just loves it when she pays him some attention. I thought any minute she's going to have had enough of trying but she didn't. He was Soon in bed with us and more relaxed ready to read books with us. he wouldn't let me clean his teeth though and only wanted Layla to and only Layla was allowed to put his pj top on. Funny little fella. Clearly off mum. That would be because I told him it was bedtime and he did t want to go to bed. That's how it started. Tantrum first, that quickly escalates to a rage.
I love the way Layla is always there for him, she loves him so much and has so much time for him and I love that he has her in his life. She really does care for him very deeply and when she found out the scan was clear her and I embraced each other in a hug that contained a mutual deep feeling of relief.
Jayden is so loved by his siblings he is so lucky. They are so lucky to have him too, to have each other. Whenever I think about their relationships with each other I feel teary and want to cry. As a mother all you want to do is protect your kids, keep them safe, not let them get hurt. Just the thought of any of them hurting, sad, heartbroken is crushing. The fact that they all are travelling this journey with me is scary. And all i can do is hope and pray that we will continue to be together for a very, very long time. That they never feel the pain I'm so frightened off, that they enjoy being children and they enjoy it together. That they get to grow old together. God I hope that to be true.