Monday, 1 July 2013

Sunday night

It's late, everyone's asleep and I'm sitting in my usual spot in the kitchen. I use to write in this blog in bed but am too paranoid about having my phone by the bed theses days so don't anymore.

Jayden had a good day but very exhausted at the end of it. He was really struggling by four o'clock which meant for a difficult but worth it afternoon. He's now asleep tucked up next to dad. Love seeing them like that.


It's tomorrow now, I ended up telling myself to go to bed instead of writing in this blog and fortunately had no problems going to sleep. Yah for that.

We had a lovely weekend, didn't do much but spent it together and that's the best part.

Jayden's been good but gave me an awful fright this morning when he looked like he was going to vomit. My heart pumped so fast and i felt physically ill, and even after he didn't i still sat there, next to him with my heart racing worrying that he would. I watched him so closely for what seemed like ages, worrying, stressing, hoping and praying nothing would happen and everything was going to be ok.
It just never stops.

I just walked past our room and he's sleeping soundly next to Danny. He looks so peaceful and relaxed. I'm now in the kitchen, everyone's asleep, and so should I. The last week I have felt like I have managed to keep my emotions at bay most of the time. Somehow managing to keep them from taking over my thoughts and getting through the day without falling to pieces. I'm guessing the antidepressants are helping or just my mind regenerating itself. I don't know. Feeling a little teary tonight but that's most nights just work hard to try and keep any negative thoughts away.
I still can't believe to this day that this is our life now. How dramatically it has changed. im reminded every time i go to the school with the kids or over hear a conversation at the shops between mums. Lots of things remind me. Remind me that that's not our life anymore, that simple stuff doesn't matter anymore.

Today I had so much 'stuff' to do but Jayden was being a normal three year old and not allowing that to happen. I loved it. I loved that it was stressing me out and I loved the feeling of feeling normal. Whenever this happens I remember what it was like when I longed for these days. Stuck in hospital not knowing when we would be home or if in fact we ever would be. Longing to have my little ratbag back and driving me crazy. So when these days happen, I'm not angry, or upset but so damn happy I'm having one of them in fact any day with my son with me is a good day. With all my kids, is a good day.

I had planned to go out on Saturday night for the first time in ages with a dear friend. Huge step for me and was looking forward to it. I explained to Jayden early in the afternoon that I would be going out after dinner but for him not too worry as dad would be here and i would be coming back later. it soon became obvious though that i wasn't going anywhere. he stuck to me like glue from that moment on and was not going to leave me to get ready and definitely not to leave the house. Fortunately the friend I was going with was finding it difficult to leave her house also so I was able to cancel. Was glad too. Instead I got to bed early with my little man and his brother and all was good.
I'm tired now and slightly feeling on edge. I heard Jayden stirring and I have a real sense of worry resting on my shoulders.
This morning just knocked me back a mile and I'm still feeling uneasy about it.

It really is a case of just living one day at a time, no more. But some days are just so hard, so damn scary and the fear is just so overwhelming.

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