I never wrote In Here last night but i needed to. i had so many emotions i needed to get out but i also needed to sleep. Sleep won and I'm so grateful for that. I also had to think about whether or not I wanted to write about yesterday events, last night to be exact.
I would never proclaim myself to be a perfect parent, far from it. And by not writing down yesterdays events would be excluding my imperfections as a parent. Last night I lost my temper and to be honest i wouldn't even give it the label of imperfection but rather inexcusable behaviour that as an adult i should have prevented.
Jayden had one of his tantrums and my response had the most vital piece of necessary requirement as a parent missing- "patience". Lack of sleep, too much caffeine and absolutely zero patience at the end of the day. No excuses though and instead of recognising I wasn't coping, I lost my temper. I scared both my boys who were crying because i behaved like a two year old myself.
By the time I cooled down I felt like absolute crap. If only the world would just come to an end
right then and there, I thought.
What I did do afterwards, was cuddled them both and apologised. Told them my behaviour was bad and I had been a bad mum behaving that way. That it wasn't their fault, it was mine. I was tired and cranky and I should never have taken it out on them and told them how very much I loved them.
I can't however take away that moment. The moment I lost my temper, yelling like a twat and just losing my cool. I can't take that away.
Instead I sit with the overwhelming guilt that not only did I behave badly but I wasted and ruined a precious moment with my sons. In particular Jayden. That I don't know how many moments I will get and I just wasted one. I beat myself up about it all night and cried my eyes out about it.
I woke this morning and thought of my dad. Not long ago he told me that what he regrets most as a parent was his discipline methods he believed now were harsh. We were scared of him as kids but only when we were naughty. I sat there remembering some of those occasions but also knowing they were such a small part of his parenting. For the rest of it I always knew he loved me, was always there for me and still is. That's what I remember about his parenting. That he loved us, that he was there and always is. That I couldn't have wished for a more loving and wonderful father.and I love him for that.
So I hope that as I live with this regret of last night, of losing that precious moment to anger, that my kids will remember me for how much I love them. That however long Jayden's life is he knows that I love him and every second of everyday I am trying my best to make his life perfect.
The guilt I carried before Jayden was diagnosed is no say near as intense as the guilt I carry now. Every time I waste a moment or have an awful moment like that, it's just huge and I mean REALLY huge. Emotions are running high almost always and managing them can be a huge challenge.
And I know I need to forgive myself and do everything in my power to make sure I don't allow myself to get so lost again. I can start that by making sure I get an earlier night sleep.
Fortunately, today was a much better day. My kids even joked about "mums spit" last night. Glad they can laugh about it. They also thought it was funny that dad received a piece of me too and in true beautiful danny form he took it on the chin. Do love that man.
My family are so precious to me and today I had a wonderful day spending time with each and everyone of them.
Thank heavens for that. I definitely woke this morning with a mission to have a better day than yesterday and I did. Yah for that.
Luke had a doctors appointment so he and I got to hang out for a while which was precious. When Luke went back to school Jayden and i played with his toys and i just enjoyed it so much. When Layla came home i got to spend some time with her as well.
So happy to have had a good day.
Love my kids.
Today I found myself thinking about yesterday. This time about Layla. Recently one of her 15 Guinea pigs had a growth on its back and it had to be removed. The vet told me he thought it to be cancerous but hoped it to be benign for if it wasn't and the lump grew back the guinea pig would have to be put to sleep. I never told this to Layla.
I spoke to the vet yesterday about when was a good time to put the Guinea pig (cupcake) back in with her sisters as for the last 10 days she's been recovering from the surgery in a nice warm cage in Layla's room. I don't think she's in a hurry to go back outside with her sisters but Layla's room really isn't the right place for her either.
The vet asked me if the lump had returned and to me it looked like it hadn't but I couldn't be certain. We decided she should go back soon with her sisters and i then got off the phone.
Layla was standing near by with a worried look on her face and asked "what if the lump comes back mum?", tears were welling in her eyes. I said "let's not worry about the what ifs, as at the moment it's not there, and that's a great thing. It may never comeback so we need not worry about that now. Lets leave that worry for then not now. And if it does come back we will sort it out. It's going to be ok".
I gave her a big hug and reassured her everything was going to be ok and found myself in one of those 'light bulb' moments. I realised I had given her advice that so many people have given me, good advice. When you are actually living it though and you love someone so much or in Layla's case her guinea pig it's very hard not too worry.
It's so true though. In that all the worrying in the world won't change the outcome. That we should enjoy what we have today and not worry about tomorrow.
Putting it into practice is a whole different ball game however but, knowing it is important. Knowing everything is ok today and to focus on today is important.
I hope Layla's Guinea pigs growth does not grow back. For she loves that animal like all her animals.
And today like everyday I'm going to try and put my advice into practice. Jayden is happy and well. Playing with his cars as I write and still in his pjs.
Love my kids so much and so happy for having today with them.