Wednesday, 17 July 2013


Tomorrow is MRI DAY. Today is mega stress scanxiety day. Have struggled all day but tried to convince myself I'm fine. I've never......
I couldn't write in here yesterday. I began to but it was just too hard. The first few attempts just made me feel ill and I felt I needed to just try and switch off for a while. Completely impossible of course so much so that I found myself vomiting in the toilet by the end of the day.
Everyone was feeling the stress of it all. Luke wasn't himself, neither Layla and we all just fumbled through the day not mentioning today's scan.
In the afternoon I took the kids to the park and as we walked along the path on the way back, Layla asked "are you worrying about tomorrow mum", "yes, I am", I replied. "Me too". She said. We walked in silence for a few minutes then she said . "But I'm sure everything will be fine mum". God I hope so.
We are now in PMH waiting for Jayden to go in for his MRI. He's had his pre-med and is happily playing with the dollhouse here with dad. I'm so tired. No sleep, an early start and no food. We are all feeling weary. Been here since 7:30 am and it's 10:00am. That's actually not long compared to some waits we have had to endure. We are hoping he will be in soon.
An hour and a half later and we are waiting in the friendship room now to be called to see him in recovery. As always handing him over to the anaesthetist was awful. I particularly didn't like this one. Most have a beautiful manner that makes you feel somewhat safe but this one was just too cowboy ish for my liking. Fortunately the nurses assisting were wonderful which eased my mind somewhat.
When I carried him in he had already fallen asleep in my arms from the pre med, and so I hoped it was going to be easy. But when I sat on the bed with him and the anaesthetist put the mask on his face he woke up instantly and tried desperately to sit up and push the mask away. His head was held tight by the anaesthetist and the mask firmly on his face so his struggles and screams were in vain and eventually his cries slowed to a murmur and Finally he was asleep. i placed him on the bed, as always feeling like absolute shit at what i just witnessed. I kissed his cheek, pulled his shirt down as his belly was showing, gently squeezed his leg and walked away. God this never, ever gets easy.
I wish I had the courage to not be so scared, worried and stressed about this whole process but nothing in my power can stop me being incredibly emotional through this whole ordeal. This life in fact.
As we sit here now waiting to hear if he's ok I'm still shocked that this is our life. That this hospital is so familiar to us now, every corner. That we now know so many nurses here and doctors. That we walk the halls noticing if a new picture has been put on a wall or staff member change. Most people wouldn't even know where this hospital is yet we know so much about every inch of it, in particular ward 3b.
I wish there was a point that there was peace with this whole ordeal. That at some point it didn't hurt so much. That the worry ceased even just a little. That the anxiety eased. That I could breathe in and exhale my pain.
My little man is laying on a table then put through a machine to look at his brain and spine and I am so very nervous. So much so that I don't think I even want to know the results. So much so that if they tell me they can't tell me today then that's fine. Then I can have another night or so to not know anything and maybe that would be a good thing.
Other parents are in the friendship room with us waiting for their children. I don't know any of them or their stories but I'm certain none of them want to be here.
We have just been called, he's in recovery.
On our way home. Tried to get in contact with the doctor that nick had asked to look at scans but were unable to. Nick is away on holidays at the moment and we aren't able to see him until next week.
And so begins the wait for the results.

Jayden playing before his scan today.
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