Sunday, 25 August 2013

A bead

Sunday morning, woke fine. Little man smiling at me at 6:00 am. Both him and Luke greeting me with cuddles. So why did I find myself so browned off?
Not with my children or the day, just generally Fed up. Feeling like I just want "out"for a time, a minute, an hour, a day. Not from my kids or family but this damn emotional roller coaster.

As the morning progressed I could feel myself getting worse. Just wanting to explode, scream and cry at the same time. Layla Jayden and I joined danny to watch Luke get presented with his medal for footy but Jayden wasn't his happiest. Sometimes I think he feeds of me. That when I'm at my worst he feels that and he's not the happiest either.

We went to Danny's parents for lunch afterwards which was nice but I could feel myself really struggling. Normal event, normal day, but feeling anything but normal!

Just simple conflict now is almost impossible to cope with as well, a disagreement, anything is so much harder to work out or work with.

Just felt like I wanted out, like I needed to run.

Now I'm sitting in the ER department with Jayden waiting to get a bead removed.
When we got back from Danny's parents house Jayden had a massive tantrum and decided to push a couple of beads up his nose. Panic kicked in and I rang the hospital whom told me to get him to the closest Hospital. Wishing we had of gone to PMH but went for the closer option Fremantle. The same hospital that sent us away numerous times when we presented with Jayden when he was sick prior to him being diagnosed finally at PMH. No need to whinge about that now even though I am in a huge 'feel like a massive whinge' mood.

It's much later now and Jayden is sleeping soundly next to me . To say I'm a little confused about our hospital visit would be an understatement. We were told to go there by a nurse over the phone. We arrive there and were told we would be a priority. Eventually get seen by a doctor who tells us that because he can no longer see the bead it must be quite a way up so he's likely to have to go into theatre and have it removed as leaving it there presents a serious danger of him inhaling it. So, we wait while she checks with the ear nose specialist then comes back to tell us we can go home and they will ring us tomorrow. so I'm confused, naturally and ask if I need to be concerned over night? She says to me to just keep an eye on any change in his breathing? I said but i might sleep through that? Her reply is "oh". So doesn't look like I will be sleeping much tonight being on super alert. Confused much? Yes.

I know this is a normal thing kids do and i know this is no biggy considering what Jayden has been through, yet i find myself in complete and utter panic mode. super stressed, super worried and super feeling like I'm going around the bend.
i don't even think I'm making any sense right now.

I had an awful moment in the waiting room before we went in. Jayden and I were looking at a magazine. In it was an advert for redlkite which is a wonderful organisation that helps families with children with cancer. for a second i was feeling in a normal moment with my son, then i see this advert with a picture of a little boy in it thats fighting cancer and my heart drops. the anxiety rushes over me and I'm feeling so stressed with a huge need to burst into tears. It just hits me. I've spent a day keeping everything in check and a picture brings it all rushing back, smack in the face. How I managed to keep it together I don't know.

So not the best sunday we've had although we have seen a whole lot worse and I shall never forget that.

Saturday I had a wonderful day with the kids and danny but today I just couldn't get there. It's like that saying "she got up on the wrong side of the bed", that was definitely me this morning. Really browned off and the day (in my head that is) just didn't get any better and now I'm laying here stressing about the bead that's up my sons nose. I wish that was it though. And I was quickly reminded at the waiting room today that its not. That as I looked around at all the other people I wished my concerns were only the bead up Jayden's nose.

I'm trying to remain positive, about everything. But it really is so very hard. I muster up the energy to get through the days enjoying my children and soaking up their smiles but some days I'm so emotionally backed up that thinking positive is bordering on impossible. And having an evening like tonight that has an event that takes us back to the hospital where it all began makes me feel quite ill.
My beautiful little man. I so want to wake up to his smile tomorrow and enjoy my day with him and my other kids without the worry. Just breathe and stop worrying.


Kids having fun at Nannas today.

Luke got his medal for footy today!!!! yah Luke. so proud. love my big boy!

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