Sunday, 18 August 2013

A look

It's Sunday night. Everyone's asleep and just for a change, I'm still up. This time I've decided to take a bath. One, because I'm absolutely freezing and two, because I'm feeling like I just should do something nice for myself.
Can't remember the last time I took a bath, as opposed to a shower but when I was pregnant I lived in the bath. Couldn't get enough of them then. And every time I've had a bath since then I think of that time.
Huge, pregnant and sitting in a bath that seemed to be the time when I could truly relax my muscles and just sit.
Pregnant with Jayden springs to mind. Easiest pregnancy of them all in that I managed emotionally the best with his pregnancy. My body however had a completely different story to tell but that's for another blog.

I look at him today and he's grown so much. Slowly changing in his face from a little toddler to a little boy and everyday showing us the new things he can do and words he can say.

Tonight we all went out for dinner to our favourite no frills italian restaurant. Just can't beat this place and the kids love it too.

Jayden was sitting across from me which is a first as he's usually wanting to be right by my side but tonight chose to sit next to his brother. Loves his brother. Aspires to be his brother. Everything Luke does Jayden wants to do, only better, faster, for longer, or higher, whatever the case may be. Fiercely competitive and never ever gives up trying.

I watched him tonight through the conversation going on at the table and he gave me a look. A look that for a split second I saw in it an older person, a man. I sat there staring at him as he continued joining in with the others babbling away oblivious to my stares, and I felt that very familiar feeling of sadness.
An older person, a man. It sadness me greatly to know Jayden's chances of ever being that older person are so very slim. I watched him and tried to just be grateful for the moments I have right now and for all the ones I get but it's terribly hard not to hurt about the future.

Tonight as I lay next to him as he slept I thought again about that look. About Jayden as an older person. How I know that he would be wonderful, handsome, funny, charismatic and above all kind. He would be a good person, I know that for sure. He has such wonderful role models in his dad and both granddads, his uncles his brother and everything he's been through. He would be a good person, a well liked person and someone who would know doubt in my mind, help people.
It's so damn unfair that life has dealt him this crappy blow. It just doesn't make sense to not allow him to become that person.

So as I sit here in a now very hot bath thinking of my little man, reflecting on the baby he once was and the now little boy he's become I hope and pray with all my might I see that 'look' again. But on the face of the man he becomes. On the good person he will be, and the adult son i love and always will. God, I hope I see that.

At the park and in the cubby house that Layla built with cardboard boxes. Can't beat a box for a toy.

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