Friday, 2 August 2013

A word to my mum

Last night

Can't sleep. So wired, anxious. Nightmare.
Trying to focus, just so hard.

Feeling like some time out with my family is what I need. Some real time out.

That's when I'm my happiest.

Today

I wasn't able to sleep last night and went to the kitchen to read a woman's magazine in the hope that reading about some super stars trivial life would take my mind of things. I found myself really stressed instead and began to write it down but not long after
I wrote those words in this blog last night , I heard Jayden screaming. I raced to the bedroom to find him so very upset. Crying, scared, nightmare I thought. As I cuddled him though I noticed he was really hot so we took his temperature and it was 38.9, high. We gave him some paracetamol and I snuggled up to him in bed until he fell back asleep. He had a restless night and I was forever checking his temp worried because it took so long to come down then worried it would come back up again.

The episode when he woke crying really worried me as at the time he was behaving like he could see something frightening that wasn't there. I hope this is simply a night terror that was brought on my a high temperature. But I can't help but worry.

This morning I woke to the sound of Luke reading a book to Jayden. Beautiful. Jayden was much happier and you would never know he was sick like he was last night. But as the day progressed it was obvious he was not himself. Around lunch time he was starting to decline which was exactly how it worked yesterday and no matter what I did to try and get him to have a nap it just wasn't happening. He made it to the evening though without another temp and is now sleeping soundly.

He's had barely anything to eat all day and that's really got me worried too. In fact the last few days have been like that and I honestly don't know how he is surviving.

Today was another tricky day for me and with Jayden unwell it meant for total focus on him as he didn't want anyone else but me. But by late afternoon I knew i needed to get out and was able to whizz out for a quick walk. Jayden wasn't in good form, Luke was upset he couldn't come and I almost didn't go just because it was easier to stay. I did go but 20 metres away from the house and I nearly turned back. In fact for the first five minutes I contemplated making it short and going home. I was just so worried about leaving the kids, especially Jayden. Even though they were with danny i knew he was also tired and jayden just wants me at the moment. I didn't turn around though, I made myself keep going, I knew I had to.

I walked the same route my mum and I use to walk every night when she was alive and As I walked I thought of her. Of the conversation we would have if she were here today and what she would say to me. I often wonder what advice she would give me and didn't think I knew but today for some reason I just knew what she would say, as if she really were with me.

Part of the route that we use to walk includes a big hill and half way up there's a bench that faces a beautiful view of the river. When I got to this spot I remembered the very last time mum and I walked together. She had been in remission and was just starting to come good but on this day as we got to this part of the walk she told me she was really tired and just didn't feel like she could keep walking. We stopped, at this spot. I stood there next to her as she caught her breath and knew that something wasn't right. I could feel it from her. we continued home but she struggled, and that was to be the last time we ever walked together.

Today I stopped at that spot. Remembered that time and remembered my mum. I sat on the bench, put my face in my hands and for the first time in a very long time, I spoke to her. I asked her to help me, guide me, show me how to cope with this journey. Point me in the right direction. "Please mum show me how I find some peace in my life now."

Afterwards i sat there and looked out at the river. I didn't feel weird after talking to what appeared to be nobody, it actually felt normal.

Deep breath in and I continued the walk up the rest of the hill, all the while thinking of mum. For the first time in ages I truly felt she was with me and it felt good. It made me feel stronger and by the time I got home I felt better. Better than I have felt in some time. Whether it was the exercise or the feeling that she was with me, I don't know, but it felt good.

Later that night when I was putting Jayden to bed and he went into one of his tantrums there was a small moment where I felt like I was going to get upset and it was as if a hand rested on my shoulder and I just Relaxed. I calmed and handled it just as I always want to handle it, with love and compassion.

Thank you mum.




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