Thursday, 29 August 2013

Beads, viruses and socks

Haven't written in a while. Sometimes I feel I'm writing the same stuff over and over again. That surely there should come a time that I think and feel differently. Sometimes I think I do, that I'm ok. But an incident, thought, or moment brings me back to the reality that its all really damn hard.

Yesterday Jayden finally had that damn bead x-rayed. they had to xray the bead alone first (as i had a spare) and once they realised they could see it they did Jayden's sinuses. Fortunately there was no sign of it but they couldn't guarantee that it wasn't there. Honestly, for once I would like some guarantee for something! Anything in fact when It comes to my children's health. But i have had enough worrying about it and we are happy to just forget about it, finally. And we know we have had far bigger things to concern ourselves with.

Not long after arriving back home with Jayden, Luke had spiked another high temperature which wasn't unusual as he had done so for the last few days and been home sick because of it. But what made it different was this peculiar rash that appeared on his leg. I tried not to panic but my immediate thoughts are of the worse so I rang our GP to bring him down. When we walked outside he complained of the light hurting his eyes and then i was even more concerned. I drove with him, quietly panicking to myself that he has meningococcal disease and stressing about getting him seen to ASAP. We arrived there and were able to wait in the nurses station. His rash by now was getting bigger and he was looking sicker and I was struggling to contain my feelings of sheer panic. I sat there with him thinking to myself "surely I can't be that unlucky! Surely I can't have another child get something that's really bad! Surely not?" But inside I was truly convinced that's exactly what was happening. No longer do I just worry about a temperature or illness, now I jump from worry to panic, in a heartbeat and think the ABSOLUTE worst. It's awful. Awful for my kids I'm sure as mum is on high alert and stress mode often, and awful for me because it often prevents me thinking straight at all!

Fortunately I have an understanding doctor who knows me well enough now to not ride me off as a 'nut case' and take all my concerns seriously. Thank god for him.

Luke didn't have what I had convinced myself he had, thank heavens and instead what appears to be a similar virus to Jayden. He's still unwell and currently sleeping in bed with Jayden.

When we were at the doctors surgery and i was worried senseless that he was indeed really sick the emotion of guilt swept over me. Guilt for not being the mum I think I should be for Luke and Layla. I've spent the last two years focused on Jayden and gathering every second of his life so as to not miss a single bit of it but not doing the same with Luke or Layla. 100s of photos fill my iPhone and computer 99.9% of them of Jayden. I sat next to Luke thinking "what have I been doing?". I'm missing their moments, even though I know I try hard not too, I do. So absorbed with what's going on with Jayden, his every move and word and not doing the same with the other two. A friend mentioned the other day that she's so surprised that they don't resent Jayden. I hope they don't.

So I'm up in the kitchen writing in this blog when i should be in bed, sleeping also. Normal life I have no longer but normal things go on all the same. My ability to deal with them isn't the normal way I would have and trying to work with this " new normal way" is hard if not impossible. I'm constantly worried or expecting as the saying goes "for the other shoe to drop". For something else bad to happen.
Awful feeling.

Wish i could step out of my brain for a while, and just not think.

I am going to end this blog on a positive note though. I need to and I know there are a lot of positives in my life. Jayden and Luke are both sleeping and although Luke has a virus they are here with me and they are safe. Layla is well and also with me and safe. Luke and Jayden played beautifully this morning even though by lunchtime Luke had had enough as he was struggling with his virus. Layla came home from school happy and my dad and his partner stayed for dinner to celebrate an early Father's Day. That was really nice. We gave dad his present and all the kids made him a card which he loved. It was really lovely. Lovely to spend time with family as always. Lovely to see my dad. Got to be happy about all those things. I am. Just wish I could not worry so much. But I know it's normal, I know I'm not a nutcase, and I know this is just the way it is. My "new normal".

Jayden yesterday, playing with his shopping trolley! Loves this toy.

The kids giving "gumpy" one of his presents 'socks'. Think the boys faces say it all.... What the?
Lucky gumpy likes them.

Jayden, his smiley little self.
Love my kids.

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