I can't sleep yet I'm so tired. Things keep going around in my head and I can't get them to stop.
So I'm up. Writing it down hoping once there out I'll sleep.
Not always the case but always worth a try.
Jayden is much better today but he does have a cough that doesn't seem to want to go away. It's not so bad during the day but at night it's much worse. As I tried to sleep tonight he was coughing and every time he coughs I feel my heart race and my breath stop. Waiting. Hoping and praying the cough doesn't follow with a vomit. That's how his vomits always started. Cough, then vomit. So my stress levels are peaking every time he coughs. I so just want him to be perfectly well.
As I lay in bed listening to him, worrying, memories rush through my mind. Memories never go, they stay with us forever. If its a good memory that's great but the bad ones I wish I could lock away in a box in my head somewhere and throw away the key. I thought of one of those bad ones tonight. It was enough to get me out of bed so i could just stop thinking about it. An incident in hospital with jayden that made me shudder, like all the procedures he had to go through. Pure torture and pure torture to witness. You never ever want to have to do any of those things to your child, ever. Not ever. And when you have, they remain in your memory bank forever as Nightmares that never, ever go away.
I know I can't change what happened but I wish I didn't think about it, relive it in my head and send myself crazy in the process.
I've been sick with the kids virus as well and and not having my normal sleep pattern doesn't help. I spent all day in bed on Saturday and that's truly a first for me. The kids were so beautiful though. Jayden didn't want to leave my side and they were all very worried. Love my kids. Layla said to me "when you are in bed so long we really realize how much you do". Beautiful.
Today fortunately with a dose of Panadol and neurofen I was up and doing as much as I normally would. Couldn't believe how much the house fell apart in one day but never mind was soon back to normal. So tonight I'm tired but not sleeping. Whether its my sleep pattern out of whack or just that I'm a super worry head. That every cough jayden has triggers a memory of the past. God those thoughts scare me. Scare me more than anything else on this earth.
I've had some more Panadol but thinking a sleeping tablet may be on the cards. So fed up with not just sleeping without thinking. Try so hard to do the mindfulness thing but my goodness, that's REALLY hard. I won't stop trying though.
Off to have another go.
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