I feel like my coping mechanisms
are at an all time low and that i am in desperate need of doing something to recharge as whatever I'm doing right now is simply not working, at all.
I hate that I feel my stress levels are high most of the time and can skyrocket even higher in a short space of time. That one minute I'm managing splendidly, although inside I know I'm not, but on the outside that's how Its perceived and the next I've lost the plot and the facade comes crumbling down. I'm ready to pull my hair out and I desperately want to hand it over to someone else for a while. My whole life in fact. Just for an hour, half a day, anything.
I get so fed up that I can't keep it together for any real length of time. That I wake up thinking "yep, I got this, I'm going to get through this" and by the afternoon I'm either in tears, yelling at someone or quietly stressing within."
I'm definitely having a crappy few days. Struggling with my frustrations and anger in particular. Grumpy with everything lately and just want to scream from the top of my roof until I have no voice left. I yelled at danny today, used some choice (vulgar) words and I think the whole neighbourhood including the local school heard. At the time I didn't care as I was so damn frustrated but now looking back I'm mortified. Mortified that I'm snapping so easily lately. That I can't seem to keep my cool and now everyone is wearing it. And mortified that the entire neighbourhood heard. And even more mortified that I can't seem to use words that aren't vulgar when I'm super angry.
I just wish for a decent amount of time I could keep it together. Be somewhat normal instead of continually riding this roller coaster. Honestly sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.
Jayden was meant to do some testing today and we didn't do that. Danny doesn't want to put him through it as he thinks he's 'fine' and I was too tired from an awful night sleep but in hindsite we probably should have gone. theres no hurry to do it but i guess it would be good to just get it out of the wAy sooner rather than later. and maybe if we had off i wouldn't have spent today worrying about it in the back of my mind along with everything else. i just dont know.
i do know that days like today are just plain hard and I'm just so over feeling so damn stressed, anxious and crappy. I know I have to do something, something to recharge.
Mindful meditation is what I am going to look into but haven't had a chance to yet. It's on my list of things to do. I keep saying I'm going to do something for myself but keep avoiding it. Every time I think of something I come up short because it means I have to leave Jayden with someone and thats the very tricky bit.
But if I don't pull my finger out soon my neighbours are going to be selling their houses and moving and that's not a good thing.
Not all the day was crap however but the bad bits always seem to stand out the most and lets face it its difficult to forget making an idiot of myself in my front yard yelling. Can't seem to let that go in my head.
What was good today was I spent the morning with a wonderful friend and Jayden and then a very special friend from down south came to see me with her beautiful boy at lunchtime. Jayden and her son got on wonderfully and it was really lovely to see her. After she left however it all went pair shaped but I'm not going to write about that anymore. afterwards I picked up Layla from Funtracks and then Jayden, her and I had a milkshake at the local cafe. Really nice. Nice to just sit down and stop and at the end of the day- that's what I needed to do. All day I just needed to 'stop'. Stop worrying, stop stressing, stop trying to get everything right and just... Breathe.
Really need to learn to do that.
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