I first noticed the cracks when a dear friend asked me how I was yesterday. It wasn't a "how you doing?" Passing comment but a real "how are you". I felt the wave fill me inside and I wanted to cry. I didn't. Instead I babbled about how I'm managing and just getting on with it and even said "learning to live with Things how they are", and a whole lot of other complete bullshit rolled off my tongue in a completely failed attempt of answering the question correctly.
So was that the beginning of this wave? Or am i just getting better at pushing it back until it gets too much. Today i kept it together in the morning while friends were visiting and not just for others but for myself. I try hard not to fall apart because it hurts. it hurts to hurt and i just try so hard not to go there because it hurts so damn much.
i went to Luke's class today to do writing and found myself watching the kids and thinking how much i wish Jayden had the futures they have. that he wasn't facing such an unknown one. and how damn scared i am about that.
Luke was great. Really happy I was there and I'm glad j went and spent that time with him.
By the afternoon the cracks were getting bigger and i was truly struggling to keep it together. i knew i had to get out of the house and Danny and Jayden were having such a wonderful time playing cars i used the opportunity to do something for myself. i went and had my eyebrows waxed And got more than i bargained for. Whilst in there I could smell the scent of baby powder and I started to think of my mum. Of having a mum. What a mum means. Snuggled in her arms and knowing while I was there everything was going to be ok. Childhood memories of having her to turn to when I was sad, being held by her as a child and at that very moment wishing I was that child again and her telling me "everything is going to be ok", and most of all, believing those words. That's all I want, those words "everything is going to be ok". As I lay there thinking this and the beautician quietly waxing my eyebrows i let go of a few tears and they ran down my face. She no doubt thought it was the waxing but no wax can hurt me the way my thoughts do.
I left there feeling like I needed to let that wave of emotion go. A big cry, scream, something. I got in the car, started driving and I felt my mum was with me. Again. Lately I feel her a lot and its nice but it scares me as if she actually is around, why so much now.
I sat there behind the wheel saying to myself over and over again "I just want it to be okay, please make it okay". I heard inside my head what i think she would say "it will be okay. No matter what happens, it's going to be ok". Whether it was me creating that thought or her I don't know but I then said out allowed. "God I hope so, I so want it to be okay, I can't do this if its not ok". I balled my eyes out. big heavy tears ran down my face.I just wanted so bad to be that child again, in my mums arms and for everything to be ok.
When I got home I couldn't pick Jayden up quick enough. Gave him the biggest hug and didn't leave his side except to cook dinner.
I was still struggling so Before dinner was served I went for a walk. A much needed one. I really struggled for the first five minutes and found myself not being able to hold back the tears again. The very thought of the future is so overwhelming that i feel like i spend most of my days and nights fighting back the thoughts. that every last bit of energy i have is spent trying not to think about the " what ifs" . then after a while it eventually comes crashing through. the emotional wave and engulfs me in those thoughts and I'm left trying to gasp for air. The tears flow but I'm trying to keep them at bay.
More strides and they began to ease off. By the time I got to the top of the hill where my mum and I stood on our last walk I felt like I was breathing better.
I glanced at the spot where we stood and for a brief moment thought to stop. i didn't . i kept walking. Like I know my life to be, I just have to keep moving. No matter what I have to get up in the morning everyday and just keep moving. I want so bad to fall in a heap sometimes but I just keep moving. I want someone to tell me everything is going to be ok, they don't and so I just keep going,
Maybe that's what that message in my head was about "everything is going to be okay no matter what happens" because I just have to keep going.
- yesterday jayden and i spent the entire day together and it was magical. these were some of the photos we took.
I love my little man so much. God I love him so much. Please god don't ever take him from me.
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