Friday, 16 August 2013

It's Friday and today my son Luke had his year one school assembly. My dad and his partner stayed last night so Jayden was able to stay home with them while we went and watched Luke's class performance. It was so nice to see him up there and for both Danny and I to be there watching. feel so proud of my big boy. Do love him to bits.

I have to say as assemblies go it was without a doubt the best one I've been too. Their performance was great and they also had a guest "rapper" that had previously visited them come and do a guest appearance with them. Really wonderful. Luke was so happy, great to see. My daughter also received a merit certificate and participated in the inter school cross country today. So proud.

It was truly so nice to enjoy those moments with them as I had missed so many last year. Really proud of them both.

Because I knew Jayden was happy at home with dads partner who Jayden just loves we were able to stay until the finish. And when we did get home Jayden was busy still playing and very happy. Nice.

So nice to see him well. He's still not 100% but heaps better than before. I got a phonecall from our GP today to tell us from the bloods and X-rays (which we originally thought showed nothing) that Jayden has viral bronchitis and to just keep a close eye on him. It always amuses me when they say that. "Just keep a close eye on him", or "watch him carefully for the next few days". Really? Is there any other way that I watch him?? Honestly no child in my family gets eyeballed as much as he does from me. If I'm not staring at him I'm kissing his forehead to check for temp or asking him if he's ok. Or snapping a mlilion photos of him. Close eye on him? i take "having a watchful eye'  to the extreme.

Having him ill these last few weeks really sent me into a tailspin ( as one mother who knows, referred to it in a comment). Terrible feeling. Taking him for his X-ray which he screamed all the way through then off to bloods and all he kept asking was "can we go home now". He's been through so much already and to subject him to anything else is truly, just pure emotional torture. He's always so worried he's not going to be able to go back home. That he may have to stay in a bed and it panics him. Really sad.

That afternoon when they couldn't do bloods and I had to come home with him stressed me and him out so much. when we got back home he was fine again but i was peaking. I didn't know how to calm myself down. My dad was at home when I got home and he knew I was really stressed. Helpless as to what to say to me He instead took Jayden to the park where danny and the other kids were. i walked inside, stood at the kitchen sjnk and just felt completely helpless to the anxiety that had completely overcome me. I couldn't get away from it. Every inch of my body was stressed, in flight mode but no where could I run from that feeling. I stood there thinking "how did I get through last year when I'm barely managing a virus ". It's like when he's sick all the emotions come flooding back from a time when this all began and the fear and anxiety come with it in the form of the biggest Emotional wave and I just felt like I was drowning. Awful, awful shit.

By the time danny and the kids came home I was managing, just. Danny knew I had come home stressed as dad would have told him and he gave me a big hug when he walked in. Never underestimate the power of a hug. Really needed that.

So now, two days later and Jayden seems like he's finally shaking this crappy bronchitis. Still sounds awful when he coughs, still not the best within himself but at least I know what it is and he's smiling and eating again. I'm still worried. I always will. i cant not.
Some days I manage but other days I just want to cry.
Today I just want to focus on the fact that Jayden is with me, all my kids are and they are doing ok. I am so very grateful for that.

Below is a sequence of pictures of Jayden in the car with me as we wait in the driveway of our fabulous ex neighbours house for her to come home. This is his face as he sees her car coming and his smile when he realises its actually her! Loves Aoife! We all do!


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