Even though he woke with his usual beautiful smile today, my little man is very sick with a virus.
Has had high temperatures all night and day and is currently resting on the couch as I sit by him. Poor little mite. Hate to see him so unwell.
But I would have a virus ANY DAY over what he's already been through.
We are still not entirely sure that he is over his diarrhoea either as he had codeine to relieve the pain and I believe that can cause constipation. Only two bowel movements yesterday but hopefully it is the end and now all he needs to do is fight of this new virus.
Woke this morning feeling like I should take the kids out of school for this entire winter until all the bugs have gone as truly hate seeing my little man ill and his siblings ill. Really feeling Jayden has already had his fair share of illnesses!
Last night we were up with him heaps and it just breaks my heart. As I've written before, not because he has a virus but because I wish so much it was the only thing I had to worry about. When he is ill it makes me think of the possible future and that hurts like hell. I try not too as I know how important it is to live in the moment but its difficult to stop it crossing my mind. It enters my mind without intention and I sit with it for as little time as possible and then try to think of something else. To bring myself back in the moment and not to the future. Hard but I'm trying.
Yesterday when I was looking for something in the kitchen I found a bag of cards and letters that I had kept from when Jayden was diagnosed last year. I kept them because I knew one day i would be able to sit down, read them and take in what was written. I know when I received them I'm sure I read them but nothing sank in back then and none of it changed how desperately traumatised we all were and our only focus was on Jayden and getting him better. I hope that people understood that and I hope I did say thank you to all those that reached out to lend a hand and for their words of support at some point since.
Once reading some of them I began to feel bad about shutting so many people out. I know at the time I didn't know how else to deal with things and all I could deal with was Jayden getting better. My children suffered too with my absent mothering, emotionally and physically. I just wasn't there. I couldn't be.
i shut out people who were close and people who wanted to help and i realize now that there was no way of them understanding that. understanding my state of mind, my sadness, anger, confusion, sheer devastation, for not even I understood it.
There is no point of reference to go to when something like this happens to you in your life. It's like deep sea diving without a tank of air. You can't breathe, you have no idea how you get through this without the necessary tools that are required , because you have never had to use them before.
Fortunately those that were up for it stuck by me. I don't know how but they did. They road my emotional roller coaster with me and even though I lost a few very close friends on the way I gained the most special few I have ever had in my life.
Like every bit of change that occurs in our lives a need to mourn the past is normal. Something I spoke with to my psychologist the other day. Among a lot of things I mentioned was the hurt I experience about the loss of a couple of good friends. Whenever Jayden has an MRI and I don't hear from them the hurt returns. But like all change she explained to me, we mourn. That the emotions I feel for that loss of a friendship is normal, sit with it when it comes and one day it will no longer be there.
It was so nice to know as always that its normal. I know it's nothing in the big scheme of things and I know I have far more important things to be concerned with but as our life begins to get a little more normal the things I worried about before begin to rise to the surface. In someways that's refreshing, that I am able to think about other stuff for a change.
I also went through my email inbox which in the last year never got properly attended to and many emails I never had the time to read. I read a few last night and finally a year or so later was able to sit down and respond. There truly is so many wonderful people in this world. My dad always told me that "we always hear about the bad people in this world but there are so many more good people", he would say.
When we sit and complain about someone we should remind ourselves that there is so many people that are good and kind in this world. I know i do, as I have had first hand experience of that. Reading these emails reaffirmed that and I'm so grateful that through all this mess I have been able to experience meeting and knowing what I believe to be the truly most wonderful people in this world.
I'm so grateful for that.
And most of all I am grateful for my little man who through it all, no matter what life throws at him.... He's able to smile :)