Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Woke this morning feeling really anxious. No idea why specifically and tried to pin it on something specific but came up with nothing. Because there doesn't need to be something specific, it just is.

It's like waves. I get a couple of days where I don't feel so anxious then woosh, in comes that anxious wave and I'm feeling like I'm about to get dumped.

We all got up late this morning and Luke's not well now, as well as having a sprained ankle. He spiked a high temperature and is now on the couch, poor little mite. So home from school today.

Danny's playing with Jayden at the moment as I get myself organised. Am writing now in the hope that letting out my concerns about my anxiety it will miraculously eleviate some of it. Doubtful, but worth a try.

I stood at the sink today doing the morning dishes and feeling so anxious that I just wanted to run. Get away from that damn feeling and just breathe.
I have my appointment with my psychologist tomorrow and am looking forward to talking this out with her, among other things.

It always makes me feel sane when she tells me that I'm normal, that what I'm doing and feeling is normal. that even though its crap and awful sometimes, its normal. I need to hear that. To be reminded I'm not an emotional nutcase but instead 'normal'. And normal is so good to hear when your living a completely abnormal situation.

When I have days where I'm sinking in the stress and worry of this journey it means so much for some one to reach out with words of support and encouragement. Often those people are strangers. I don't know why that is. But thank goodness for them.

Im not even sure if any of this makes any sense. i often feel sad that i no longer see the friends i use too because my life is now so different. But the people i have met through this journey are no doubt the most unique and beautiful people i have ever known. They understand and
Mixing amongst those that don't, truly requires an emotional strength that sometimes I just don't often have.

My friends from before have Their lives go on as per normal and mine took such a dramatic turn that there seems no way to relate anymore. like a huge wall went up between us and nothing can bring it down. It's frustrating, sad and above all lonely. . Even at home with danny I sometimes feel lonely as we relate to this situation so differently.

But the very special people in my life are the ones i had before that still manage to understand, say the right things and are just there. love them for that. now i know I'm waffling.

Much later..,

Jayden is still unwell with his virus and seeing him so uncomfortable and unhappy brings up so many emotions and memories of a time before. He was screaming in pain this afternoon due to his diarrhoea that seemed to have got worse so I took him straight back to our GP. He found that Jayden's bottom is torn inside and has prescribed some cream to ease that and codeine to ease the pain of the cramps. Poor little man, I really hate seeing him like that.

Its evening now and he's much happier and not in pain. Luke seems a little better too so hopefully they will both have a restful night sleep.

He's in bed now asleep. Layla helped me get him ready for bed and he is now snoozing. I'm laying next to him and I can hear his little tummy rumbling.

Above: Layla brushing his hair before bed. really loves her brother and he, her.

When I was at the doctors surgery today, waiting with Jayden I felt so very sad for him, for all of us. He was looking so pale, so sad and uncomfortable. I wanted to cry. Not because he had diarrhoea, but because I wish it were all we had to worry about. God I wish it were. I want so bad for that. I cuddled him on the chair wishing so much that this was the only thing we had to be concerned with. that once he beats this virus it will all be fine.

Hope is all we have and hope is what I cling to, that a simple virus will be all we ever have to deal with. God I hope for that.

Much later...

Luke is very sick. Has been up all night with a very high temp that I can't seem to get down. So worried. Can't help it. Difficult to ever relax with illnesses now, always dreading the worse. Hope he gets some sleep tonight. I know I will be laying awake worrying.

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