I think danny and i just don't want to be reminded of any of the past and the treatment we put him through or the side effects that are a result of it. it will truly break our hearts if he's lost more hearing and i don't think either of us want to know that. Hopefully however that won't be the case, but Id still rather be at home playing Lego with my little man all the same.
We know we should go however and that's what we are doing. Jayden in the back, happy as ever and Danny and I silent in the front. I remember the many drives we have taken back and forth to the hospital, just the three of us, as if it were yesterday. I will never forget that time.
This morning Jayden woke bright and early and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep but when he looks at me with his big smile on his face I can't possibly be grumpy. I always remember the mornings we woke in the hospital and how much I wished for the mornings at home to be back. How much I prayed that we would wake again one day at home and Jayden wake me bright and early again. That I would have those mornings back. But I also promised myself if I did I would never ever take them for granted again or complain that he woke me so early. And I haven't. I will always be grateful for every morning I get for it is truly a blessing NOT a given. And sleep? Well, who cares about that when I get to spend my awake time that is so very precious, with my little man and Layla and Luke. That's whats important.
We have just come out of the appointment and it looks like we will be going back.
When we first arrived Jayden didn't want to have anything to do with the testing. Would t let the lady check his ears, wouldn't put the headphones on and wouldn't engage in any game. Instead he snuggled into my arms and closed his eyes. This is his standard response to any situation he's not comfortable with. Eyes closed, if he can't see anyone I think he figures no one can see him. We tried every persuasion in the book but he wasn't budging. Eventually we gave up and booked for another time. I do believe this all has something to do with his association of these tests and the treatment he went through and we discussed that with the lady present.
We then decided to try again at another time but bring Luke to be tested as well. When he heard Luke's name mentioned and him being tested as well he slowly came out of his shell and began playing with the toys. We were then able to get a test on his hearing which turned out to be stable, thank heavens. However we need a clearer picture with the headphones so we can find out if one ear is worse than the other, so we have had to reschedule.
He's now asleep in the car, which is unusual and of course worrying me. He started to go down hill on the way in and while we were there appeared flustered. Red in the cheeks and just didn't look a hundred percent, and very whindgey (if that's even a word, as can't seem to ever find correct spelling). I know he's a happy kid so when he's complaining and whiney I know something is up. But what? Always thinking the worst. Wish I could just think the normal stuff other mums think instead of what I do think. Sucks beyond words.
I'm glad his hearing appears ok and they never gave us a hard time about him not wearing his hearing aids. His speech is developing fine so for now they just want to monitor everything, happy with that.
All I can hope for as always is that he continues to develop into the beautiful boy, teenager and man I know he will be. That he gets to have his first day at school, ride a bike, play footy, meet a girl, have babies and be happy. All the things he deserves, that all kids deserve....a life.
I try not to dwell on the what ifs but its almost impossible. Especially when he's not 100%. When he's happy and well I'm able to rest my mind a little but when he's even the slightest bit off, I'm in panic mode.
I'm so hoping he will wake from his nap 100% and I can rest my mind a little. Always hoping for that. That my little man is OK.