I had one of my worst days today, although I wouldn't like to be giving them any kind of score as I'd start wondering about my sanity if I looked at them on a graph. Although I have to say I wonder about it anyway, particularly on days like today.
Jayden woke still unwell, looking pale, just wanting to be carried a lot. Wobbly on his feet sometimes and with me watching him like a crazy woman. So the slightest off moment is sending me in a tail spin, which I'm already spinning my way into. Im Snapping at the other kids because I'm so worried about Jayden and completely stressed to the point of exhaustion.
When Danny got up I took the opportunity to go to the shops and once in the car I cried my eyes out. Rang my sister, cried some more then did the bit of shopping I had to do and drove home, again, cried. All the while thinking how much more can I possibly take. I'm at a point where I'm not coping, not at all. the thought of losing my son is pure torture and some days I feel it so bad, like today that I don't know how much more I can do. Then, i get home, see my three beautiful kids and I know the answer.... As much as is going to be dished out at me, that's how much.
Today was really hard. But I got to the end of it and my little man is laying next to me now. I hate this journey with a passion but I know I have to travel it. Somedays are truly excruciatingly painful. I have never known stress like I know it now. Never known worry like I know now, nor fear. They are feelings that have become more familiar to me now than any others have in my life.
But this is my road now and my families.
My little man is here and I'm able to be grateful for that at this very second as by this evening he perked up a bit and I was able to breath a little. So I can say, I'm grateful. But when I'm stressing, beyond words and indescribable worry there is no feelings of grateful, just fear. It's so encompassing no other thought can enter. But right now I'm able to let a little in, and breathe.
All I can do now is hope with every inch of my being that Jayden wakes tomorrow with his little smile, his spring in his step and his beautiful personality shining, and with its shine letting me know, "you can now worry a little less mum".