I found myself getting to the bottom of the washing basket and feeling the anxiety kick in. i kneeled looking into the empty wash basket and just stared at the bottom. trying desperately not to think about stuff that makes me feel so crap. I sat back on the floor, put my head in my hands and just stayed like that. Not crying just curled over, slightly rocking. Sounding like a crazy person now...
My back hurts, I try to focus on that. But that doesn't last long. So many thoughts, just wishing my mind would settle when everything is quiet instead of race.
I get up, pick up my phone and start writing in this blog in the hope once those thoughts are out i can sleep.
I'm thinking of A conversation I had with a lady in the shopping centre today, We spoke about the last year and rehashed a whole lot of memories. She didn't know about Jayden or what our family had been through and she wanted to know. As we stood in the shopping aisle I told her everything she wanted to know and she responded with great compassion and understanding. her very close friend lost a child some years back and she said to me "i had never seen pain like I saw in my friend when she lost her child. That's real pain. That's pain that no one should have to ever go through". I don't even know how to explain what I was thinking as she told me this. Part of me wanted to find that woman she spoke of and give her the biggest hug and wish to take her pain away, and the other bigger and more overwhelming thought was " I know. and I so don't want to feel that pain. Ever". I so don't want to lose my child and I live with that fear everyday.
She asked me "how do you do it?". But to answer that question with one simple answer is impossible. Truly, no mother really knows how they get through this journey. They just do. There's no quick fix, formula, 'how to book', and I've spent forever and still do trying to find some sense of peace In This journey. but there isn't Any. You just get up every morning and you just "do".
What I took away from the conversation was the stirring up of old memories of a time I would rather forget but know it's part of our family's 'story' now, still is and there's no forgetting it. I could try and push it back into my mind but it won't stay there. This is our life, the past, the present and the unknown future.
even though I felt I was handling the conversation i had with this lady today well and was ok to talk about everything, I left it feeling very raw, vulnerable and open.
I busily went about the rest of the afternoon trying not to think about anything but what I had to do. Enjoying time with Jayden watching cartoons as he wasn't much up to anything else this afternoon. And just keep my self busy. But by this evening I find myself unable to sleep and feeling anxious.
I can now here Jayden coughing and even though I would have written more, I'm going to lay with my little man. Make sure he's okay and give him the biggest cuddle. Love my little man.
My friend took these photos today of Jayden and me and I just love them.
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