Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Im laying in bed with Jayden asleep on me. not squished up next to me but, on me. It reminds me of when we were in chicago and thats how he use to fall asleep sometimes. I'm sure it was his way of making sure i wouldn't be going anywhere and after today i think its the same feeling for him. i went out this morning and didn't get back till after lunch which is a long time for us to be apart. Missed him heaps and was so happy to see him when i got home.

It was really hard for me to leave him this morning as he was so upset about me going. I had made an appointment with a lady to get a chakra massage- I think that's what it was called. Anyway, I didn't want to go. I never do. I never want to leave Jayden especially when he's upset. I also am a hugely anxious person these days and doing something different rings all my anxiety bells.

Anything that's new I find it so hard. It's so much easier just to stay home and hide. But today i knew i had to at least try.

So as I drove off in my car, a blanket of anxiety covered me and all I wanted to do was turn back. Back to my little man and to my hideaway. But deep down I knew I needed to go. to get help to get through this journey so that I am a better mum for him and my other kids.

But it's hard to put myself out there. I'm already living at a high level of anxiety so when something comes along that makes me normally a little anxious, now it just goes through the roof. I manage to push myself through most days and the last two have been better than the previous but this morning i felt like i just wanted to give up again, just lay with my little man, stay with him and not go anywhere or do anything.

but i didn't. I drove my car to the ladys house, super anxious, super apprehensive and did not want to go in when i arrived. i desperately wanted to go home. I sat in my car stressing about it all for a while and then finally built up the courage to go in.

It was definitely one of those situations where I'm so glad I was able to overcome the anxiety I was feeling about going in. Because it was not the same way i felt by the time I left. I walked out of her house feeling a whole lot better than when I went in.

After I saw her I had another appointment with a Chinese medicine doctor but I thought I was just going to pick up some probiotics for Jayden and have a chat about what he does. However I was there for sometime talking and he gave me a lesson on breathing properly. Sounds all so simple but again, when I left I felt so much more at ease.

I had so much more running around to do but I just couldn't be away any longer. I Raced home to see my little man who was so excited to see me. He was waiting out the front with Danny, he squealed with delight when I pulled up and embraced me in the best and biggest hug ever. God I love him.

He's now asleep snuggled under my arm as I write in this blog. His little breath I can feel on my face and his hand is resting on my chest. He actually has hold of the tree of life that I have on my chain around my neck. Beautiful. I Love him so very much.

Layla has been so much better the last couple of days and Jayden has been good also. I'm still watching him like a hawk and constantly concerned. He tripped a few times today, looked grey again under his eyes. I don't think there will ever come a time where I won't worry. At least for today I was able to breathe. Learn to breathe properly in fact and hopefully put it into practice often.

Today started of yuck but has ended better with my little man now asleep in my arms. Moments like these I want to bottle up and keep forever. I want to never ever forget them. Have them locked in a safe place in my mind that I can go to when ever I want to. I wish I could do that. Make them last forever. The feelings, the sounds, the whole lot, all of it. Never ever to be forgotten.
He rubs his nose, stretches his arm and has now pushed himself away. Must have been getting hot.
It's my queue to join my other two kids in the lounge now to watch some tv before they go to bed.

Hope and pray my kids all grow old together, god I hope for that.

Photos of the last couple of days

I knew Jayden was starting to feel better when he was back to his rascal self with his brother Luke, hiding in the bathroom. Was so happy to see this moment. Honestly, so happy.

This photo of Layla and Jayden was taken before they both were sick but I included it because I love it.

Jayden feeling a whole lot better

Love this little face.

Jayden still not that well here but it didn't stop him playing with his siblings.

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