Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Jayden's unwell. I'm pretty sure he's come down with the same virus Luke had a few days ago but it worries me senseless all the same.
I'm laying next to him as he sleeps, he's groaning quietly with every breath. Every now and then he wakes up suddenly "mummy my tummy hurts" he says. I rub his back and stroke his hair until he goes back to sleep and wait with him in my arms until the next cramp comes.
He's squished up next to me and me him, its cold and we have lots of rugs on.

When I'm rubbing his back and comforting him I think about the times he's been through so much worse. Laying next to him in the hospital bed, day in day out while he suffered. To this day I still struggle with those thoughts and whenever Jayden is ill I think of those times. Specific times, often. So many. Awful, awful stuff.

I hate seeing him ill and even though its only a virus and I pray that it is, I'm worried beyond belief. My little man, I love him so very much.

I don't want to sleep. I don't want to not be awake when he wakes or if he vomits so I'm laying here with him, listening and holding him.

Today Jayden was well, happy and being his jovial self, it's only the last couple of hours that he's suddenly taken a turn.

He just vomited. Poor little mite. For the first time ever I collected some of it in my face and hair. Which is quite remarkable considering how many times he's vomited in his little life and 99% of them I've been right by his side and laying next to him. Danny and i diligently cleaned it up like we have done so many times before and Jayden also knows the routine. together we have him in a clean set of pjs, clean sheets, towel and bowl at the ready and all back in bed in no time. Sadly I know it's coming again.

I wish I could say I'm not worried and that I'm sure it's just a virus. But I can't. I'm not a doctor and when Jayden vomits, I'm always petrified.

He's asleep again but only lightly. With his eyes still shut he says "mum". I rub his back and tell him I'm here. Still with his eyes closed he says "mum, I want to go home". We are home, I tell him, but I know, like me, he is thinking of the past. Associating his feelings now with then. Just like me. We are all scared of that time. frighten it will haunt us again. scarred by images and memories of the past.
The fears never go. The memories never go. they may lay dormant for a time, an hour or two but they never go.

I can only hope that as a family, all five of us, can together build a future that with time the fear of the future and the memories of the past will not be so raw. Hard to believe that's possible right now, but there is always hope....



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