Thursday, 5 September 2013

Luke's MRI, ultrasound, beautiful neighbours and tippy toes.

It's Friday morning and Jayden and I are having morning tea with our beautiful Italian neighbour, love her to bits.
She has told me before that every night she lights a candle for Jayden and prays for him. Today she told me that she sent a photo of Jayden to her family in Italy and they also light a candle and pray for him everyday. That was so beautiful to hear. Love her and her family and I hope with all my heart that god hears those prayers.

Luke's MRI results were good. Nothing to be seen. God how I wish we had of had the same results for Jayden in march 2012.
Our life would have been so different.

There is still no explanation as to why Luke is having his vision episodes and the next step is to take him to an optometrist. There is the possibility that it is stress related which is a huge concern. We will see the optometrist first then go from there. Just so pleased its nothing sinister. Huge relief.

Of course it doesn't stop me worrying about everything, and I mean, everything. Feel like a sitting duck sometimes just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I was even recently concerned about myself as I had some unexplained bleeding and immediately thought I had cancer, seriously feel like I'm going around the bend. I had an ultrasound yesterday and everything appeared fine.

As I laid there being examined and watched the screen I thought about the ultrasounds I had for my children and it made me feel so emotional. I had a little cry thinking about Jayden about him as a baby. About all my hopes and dreams for him when I first heard his heartbeat and saw his little body on an ultrasound. How now those dreams are crushed and instead replaced with such uncertainty and worry. I laid there quietly crying as those thoughts came to mind. The ultrasound person told me everything was fine and no doubt wondering why I was upset instead of happy.

Of course I was relieved that everything was fine but found myself feeling so sad as i left. missing a time when things were so different. when walking out of an ultrasound after seeing your healthy little baby on the screen made you jump for joy. Having absolutely no idea that in just shy of two years time we would be told the most devastating news possible about our baby and a journey of indescribable pain as a parent would begin. Not a day goes by that I don't wish for the life we had before back, the life without childhood cancer.

Jayden is well at the moment and for that I am eternally grateful, he still has a yucky cough but happy within himself. Still has a damn runny nose which is driving him nuts. But otherwise good. Will have a cough, cold, virus, diarrhoea ANYDAY over what he has already endured.

Every time I look at him I'm examining him in such detail. Today he looked a little grey and dark under his eyes and I found myself stressing. Every time he wobbles on his feet or walks a little funny I'm panicked. He recently decided to walk with one foot on tippy toes and I panicked. When I asked him why he's doing it and he replied "because I want to" I was so relieved but still concerned he may be just saying that so I would stop bothering him. Honestly, it never stops.

I'm taking the kids up to my dads farm tonight, just for the night, as danny is busy working and off to a course all day tomorrow. Looking forward to a change of scenery and some country air. And most of all some time spent with the kids and my dad. Can't get much better than that.

Jayden at our neighbours playing with a box!

Our beautiful neighbour brushing his hair.

1 comment:

  1. Leisl, worrying is what a mother does best, and unfortunately comes hand in hand worse with cancer kid mums. You are not alone, I had my daughter (18) at the doctors because her foot was cold and turned blue. Lucky I have an understanding dr. I ended up crying in her office again, because the smallest things worry me, I just know I couldn't go through it again, and the thought of losing her too would kill me. Jayden is always in my thoughts and I am sending you love and strength mother to mother xx Leonna