I'm struggling today. Another wave crashing in. I knew one was due to come but had hoped not for a little longer.
The past few days have no doubt brought it on and now I'm a bundle of worry. No different to any other day just way more intense. The feeling of worry that cuts you to the bone and leaves you feeling raw all over. Raw with emotion. Wanting to let it out but holding it in, so long spent conditioning myself to do so and only leaving those moments to the times I'm on my own.
Jayden woke last night as i was putting my last blog entry in. He was upset, feeling yuck but also reasonably alert after having so much sleep. He was worried about being sick. "i feel sick mummy" he said, "will it go away?" he asked. " make it go away mummy". God if there was anything i wish more than life itself would be to take every bit of pain away from my son. And i so wanted to tell him i would, i could. I so wanted to be able to do exactly that. What i wouldn't give to be able to make sure my son never, ever suffers again. To watch him in any discomfort at all is truly gut wrenching and holding my tears back when i do is near on impossible. But i do. I don't want him to ever be scared or ever feel alone.
So I sit here now with him. He hasn't eaten all day, Nor drank very much either. I hope with all my might he is going to be ok, that all this is, is a simple virus and he will be back to his chirpy self again. I hope it goes away, just as he wants me to make it do.
But in my mind I'm so worried. I'm so worried that I can't breathe. I keep it together for everyone around me but inside I'm truly crumbling. Anxiety hit me big time at the school carnival today and an enormous amount of self talk in my head made it possible for me to keep up a brave front. What one does to function in a "normal" world when my life is anything but.
I just want to scream. I'm so bloody scared and I just want to scream and yell at everyone who is so damn lucky to not live this way. To not have to wake every morning and work so bloody hard at keeping it together to function. Yes, some days are easier than others but is that because they are easier or I'm just getting better at swallowing the emotions?
I know it's nobodies fault, but in some ways I wish it were then I'd have someone to yell at, and for good reason, and then be able to release those emotions.
It's sunny outside and I'm sitting on my own with my little man inside. He so wanted to go out today, somewhere, but he was not well. By lunch time he barely had the energy to stand and finally gave in to sleep.
Go away bloody virus or whatever this shit is. Leave my son alone he's had enough, I'm so sick of watching him ill and not being able to do diddly squat about it. I hate this damn journey.
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