Wednesday, 16 October 2013

I thought I was coping. Being strong. I thought I was getting on with the day as I should. I know I was keeping it in, I've become good at that. Holding back the emotions. Now I sit here in the bathroom with tears running down my face with the overwhelming feeling of fear. I'm so bloody scared about tomorrow.

I try to be positive but the reality of this situation alwAys pushes those thoughts away and replaces them with fear.

I just put my little man to sleep, snuggled up into my arms until he drifts off then I ease my way out. I wanted to stay there. In that moment forever. Snuggled up to him. His beautiful little face. Perfect little nose. So warm. So comforting. He cries a tiny little cry as he falls deeper into sleep and I gently snuggle him in tighter to let him know I'm still there.
The thought crosses my mind that one day I may not have these beautiful moments and I quickly shut it out. For my mind cannot leave it there. I cannot mentally cope with that thought. Not today, not ever.

And now I sit here wishing so hard that life were different. That somehow someway I would not hurt so bad or fear with such pain. I want so bad for everything to be ok. For the doctors to tell me Jayden is going to be ok, that he will always be ok. What I wouldn't give for that.

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1 comment:

  1. I wish too, that someone could give you the peace you crave. I know how hard it is to accept that no one can tell you for certain how things will be - all you can do is put all your faith into believing that Jayden will continue well. Do not focus on stats or percentages or what is happening with other families. The smiling face of your little man today, is happy and healthy! Wishing you calm and peace for the scan, and saying prayers for continued clear. Erica xoxox