I thought I was coping. Being strong. I thought I was getting on with the day as I should. I know I was keeping it in, I've become good at that. Holding back the emotions. Now I sit here in the bathroom with tears running down my face with the overwhelming feeling of fear. I'm so bloody scared about tomorrow.
I try to be positive but the reality of this situation alwAys pushes those thoughts away and replaces them with fear.
I just put my little man to sleep, snuggled up into my arms until he drifts off then I ease my way out. I wanted to stay there. In that moment forever. Snuggled up to him. His beautiful little face. Perfect little nose. So warm. So comforting. He cries a tiny little cry as he falls deeper into sleep and I gently snuggle him in tighter to let him know I'm still there.
The thought crosses my mind that one day I may not have these beautiful moments and I quickly shut it out. For my mind cannot leave it there. I cannot mentally cope with that thought. Not today, not ever.
And now I sit here wishing so hard that life were different. That somehow someway I would not hurt so bad or fear with such pain. I want so bad for everything to be ok. For the doctors to tell me Jayden is going to be ok, that he will always be ok. What I wouldn't give for that.
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