Tuesday, 29 October 2013

I woke this morning to my two boys excited about discovering where the Elf on The Shelf we received yesterday in the mail was. He moves in the night with his magic powers and when you wake in the morning you have to find where he's moved too. I just love this time off the year.

Luke was up first, shortly followed by Jayden and it was 5:30am. Not my most favourite time in the morning and with little sleep during the night I wasn't feeling my best to get up. Luke however volunteered to make Jayden's breakfast and off they trotted to find the elf and have breaky together. Next thing I knew I could hear little voices in the room whispering quietly, "mum ". I woke to see them grinning from ear to ear and it was 7:00am. I couldn't believe I slept that long. Danny had also been up with them but for much of that time they amused themselves quietly in the lounge room and Luke got Jayden and himself breakfast.

When I walked into the lounge I discovered their huge cubby house that they made together with all the kitchen chairs and all the blankets they could find. Geez that made me smile. What a truly wonderful way to wake up. Love my boys.

Jayden made a new friend today and I am just so pleased for him. A really lovely lady I have been fortunate enough to meet through this journey visited us today with her equally gorgeous little boy. Jayden and her little boy hit it off straight away and played together and along side each other for most of the visit. Just truly a delight to watch. And his mother and I had a wonderful chat over cups of tea. I felt truly blessed to have their company and it really made both Jayden's and my day.

Sadly today another one of Layla's guinea pigs died. We had to have him put down. I was so very sad having to make the decision when I took him to the vet. Part of me felt like we hadn't done enough and maybe we should keep trying but the vet reassured me we had done more than most and it's very unlikely he would get better. He had lost so much weight already and looked so very sad. Layla was devastated when she came home from school which broke my heart.

We talked about it again tonight before I put her to bed and she told me she was glad i made that decision. She said it would have hurt her so much more if she found him passed away in his cage like she had one of her guinea pigs not long after we returned from overseas.
That is clearly deeply imbedded in her memory. It made me feel so much better about making that decision. I love my girl so much.

Everyone is now asleep except me and I think Layla may be still awake in her bed as well. I do hope she gets herself off to sleep soon.

I've really struggled this past week and felt at times in desperate need of speaking to a professional. I really miss seeing my psychologist. Just to have someone I can bounce what's going on in my head with, without being judged or misunderstood. I've really missed that. It's left me really confused at times and extremely sad. She was able to make it possible for me to understand my emotions and feelings so that I don't feel like a crazy person. As every new situation arises that stirs emotions inside me, I feel at a loss. In new territory that I'm no longer familiar with. My emotions are already running on an all time high 24/7 so when something occurs outside of what already exists in my life I'm overwhelmed. It seems impossible at times to allow anymore sadness in yet it comes. Flows and overflows.

I don't know if I'm making sense and if I'm not then that in itself makes sense. Because i feel so overwhelmed. I don't know how to draw back my emotions. Stop myself from being so emotional. It's just there, all the time.

My little man and my other two kids mean the world to me. Watching him play today, having a big long chat with him this morning when he caught me out the front chatting to a mum, everything about him. I love. I couldn't imagine living without that smile. And I'm so scared I will one day. The fear escapes me at times when I don't expect it to and I find myself fighting back tears. Because it's always there, 24/7. Even when I think I'm not thinking about it, I am. Because it's real, and it's there.

Love my little man.

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