I often feel I can't relate to people anymore that don't know and understand that sadness. Who don't see it or hear of it regularly and aren't living the nightmare that goes with that . I try to relate and remember what it was like to think normal and be normal, but I can't. Not anymore . My conversations that are most important to me aren't about school carnivals or my kids grades. And without that understanding it is difficult to build on relationships.
I've been exposed to so much pain and sadness that it's impossible to understand that without being exposed to it as well. Some days it's hard to just breathe let alone get out of bed. But I'm surrounded in most part by people who are not exposed to or living this? And thank heavens for that. This means however I live in a world that I don't fit into. A square trying to fit into a round whole. I may say things people don't understand or feel and I have to remind myself that they can't. To pull back and try and be normal for they may be offended by my words even though I don't feel they are offensive.
It is yet another reality check that this is a very lonely journey. I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself correctly but the way I look at the world now is very different from before Jayden was diagnosed. I wish it weren't. I wish I still saw it like the majority of people around me, but I don't. I wish I didn't feel the sadness I do for no longer being normal and I wish more than anything that my family was never exposed to this world we now live.
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