Friday, 4 October 2013

Today I ran into a beautiful friend whilst In the grocery store. She has lived this journey as well. She sadly lost her son. We stood in the aisle of the shop talking about what only we understand, about our lives as they are now. The hurt, the sadness and living this journey. She told me the day her son was diagnosed with cancer was the day she lost her innocence about life. No truer words spoken. No longer do I have simple complaints or know nothing about real pain, or real emotional heartache, real fear, real sadness. No longer is my life about knowing only the easy bits.

We both cried as we spoke. People walking past doing their shopping around us and us in what seemed like a bubble. A bubble of our own that nobody else other than those that have travelled this journey could possibly understand what it's like to be in. A world within a world as I've referred it to be before .

As I stood there listening to her talk about her recent very difficult days my heart ached. I felt her sadness, her tears. I see in her face her suffering, trying to live her life without her son and it pains me so. I know the fear and hurt of just the thought of it and that is truly unbearable and I'm so scared.

I love this woman like family. This journey is the most emotional and hardest journey I've ever travelled and when you meet people who have been there, it feels like you've met a family member. And you have that sense and need to be there for them like family.

I'm really tired now and I know I need to sleep. My little man is asleep next to me and he's still not well. The next MRI is under two weeks away and I'm so very nervous. It feels like he's been sick on and off for so long now that I'm worried out of my mind.

He's still not himself but no more croup. He still has a cough and yesterday a temp but today no temp just a cough. However this afternoon he had diarrhoea, again. He's always complaining of a sore tummy and he seems to have had diarrhoea a lot lately.

I don't know what it is but I'm definitely thinking something is going on with his tummy, among other things. I know I'm in for a rough night as he's been stirring and grizzly while I've been writing.

He looks so beautiful. I love him so very much that it hurts . As the words go onto this screen my heart aches. It aches so bad with the fear of ever not being able to hold him. Be his mother. Cuddle him when he's sad, laugh with him when he's happy.

I took him and Luke and Layla out today and we had a lovely time. He refused to get out of his pjs, again and I'm just not going to get into that argument with him. So we went out just like that.

He had such a lovely time even though I knew he wasn't feeling himself. He just takes on everything using as much energy as he can muster and I truly admire his determination to live life to the fullest.

He makes me laugh, smile and reminds me to live in the moment.

I can only hope I get years full of precious moments with him and my other two beautiful kids.
I so hope for that.

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