Thursday, 28 November 2013

Orientation day at Kindy

Jayden starts Kindy next year. 5 full days a fortnight. 2 one week and three the next.

Yesterday was orientation day. A day where you meet the teachers and other parents and their children and learn about what the kids will be doing throughout their Kindy year.

I have to say, I didn't want to go. I probably didn't need to either as most of the stuff being told to us I already knew having both Layla and Luke go to the same Kindy. Of course some things have changed, certainly what they are learning now has and the parents are obviously different people.

I went however because I try to make Jayden's life as normal as possible. I'm wishing I hadn't though as it was truly emotionally hard. As soon as we walked around the corner of our street and I saw the Kindy I felt like I couldn't breathe. All the parents gathered with their children outside waiting to go in. Like a big slap in the face. A reminder of what I no longer have. And on top of that, the thought of not having Jayden with me and a complete stranger caring for him. All very overwhelming.

I struggled the whole time I was there and when no one was around me I had a cry. Hard not to shed a tear as my little man played on the playground equipment. As I watched him I wished I could enjoy the moment instead of feeling so sad about the future. I wished so bad I could be thinking what the other parents were and having The thoughts I had when I took Layla through this process and Luke. But I don't. It's so different this time. Totally different ball game.

Now I sit there watching, hoping and praying he actually does get to go to Kindy and then pre primary and so forth. Hoping and praying he gets to be a big boy. Hoping and praying he gets to drive a car like he so desperately wants to one day like his dad. Just hoping so desperately for time. And lots off it.

I couldn't wait to leave and Jayden was happy to go. He was disappointed Luke wasn't there as he had thought that going to Kindy meant seeing Luke but of course they are in different parts of the school. When I later told Luke that Jayden was sad he wasn't there he said "ohhh mum. I'm sad too I wasn't there. I wish I could be". He loves his brother so much. He told me the other night that out of everyone in the family he loves Jayden the most. Bless. I love my big boy. He makes me so proud. He is a big softy who loves so much. Will make some lovely lady a happy woman one day I'm sure.

I wish I could have the same hopes and dreams for Jayden. I do but they are so clouded with doubt and fear. Every time he talks about when he gets bigger it's like a knife going through my heart. I so want his wishes to come true. All our wishes. We all want to be a family of five for ever. I so hope and pray for that.

Today we went to the river for a BBQ. Thanks to the brilliant suggestion from Layla.
I love getting out and doing things like that with us all. The kids love being together and I just love seeing them so happy together.

Love my kids. Love moments like these.

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Visit from the police

Ok. A good nights sleep and I'm feeling much better. Ready to start a new day with a clearer head.

And... To talk about Jayden's visit yesterday! I only brushed upon it briefly and it's so worthy of much more to say. And memories I never want to forget. Although I doubt any of us will.

Bright blue is an organisation that helps raise money for childhood cancer and supports those children and their families. This organisation helped me to get in contact with a beautiful Sergeant of our local police station to organise a police car for Jayden to see and for him to meet some police. Jayden loves police cars and every time he sees them when we are driving he gets excited. So I asked if they could organise this for him and his brother.

Well, this man was instrumental in organising much more than that. Honestly it was amazing. So overwhelming it bought tears to my eyes.

We were told they would be at our house at 11:00 so we waited out the front from 10:45. We sat watching the road and right before 11:00 we saw two police on horse back come around the corner of our street and stopped under a tree. Oh my goodness everyone of us was beaming with excitement! I just couldn't believe it. Horses in our street!!!!

Danny and Jayden watching as it all begins

Jayden so excited he can't eat his toast!

A few minutes later and a police car comes around the bend where the horses are resting, followed by another police car and two police motor cycles! Followed by them is a huge truck.

It was just amazing!
Another car after them and another, then the horses!They all pulled up out the front of our house and got out of their vehicles.

The man who organised all this came up with another police officer and introduced himself. Oh my goodness I just love this man!!!! His female partner was just gorgeous as well and so was every person they introduced us to.

They all made Jayden feel so special! They really made a fuss of him and I couldn't have been happier to see his little face light.

In the back of the big truck!

Poking out of the top of the truck!

They even presented him with his own little shirt and he wore it proudly all day!

The police dogs were there as well and Jayden got to meet a famous one known as 'rumble'. Very exciting. We all learnt so much about each division and the people behind them.

I'm not exaggerating when I say these people were amazing. And I mean AMAZING! So truly kind and caring. They all went out of their way to make his day special. Each division gave him something special as a souvenir and he has treasured every gift. He wore his cap most of the day with his shirt and hasn't stopped talking about the experience.

Last night at the dinner table it of course was his favourite thing for the day!
"My favourite thing today was the police coming. I hope they can come back and I can show them my room and they come play". He only says that about people he truly warms to. That's how kind they were. Really love these people.

He had his cup of tea this morning in the big police mug he was given and said "I really, really wanted one of these mum'". So appreciative of his gifts.

Thank you so much to those wonderful people. We love you all for making our sons day so special. Something all of us will never , ever forget!
It's late. I want to go to sleep but I'm feeling completely lost in my own home. So many emotions running around in my head that It makes me feel like I'm a basket case.

We had a great day with a visit from the police for Jayden which put smiles on all our faces yet now I'm flat. The policeman were great. So wonderful with Jayden. Truly special. He said tonight that he wishes they would come back and he could show them his room and they come play toys with him. Beautiful. He loved them. Truly wonderful bunch of people. We loved them too.

But after they left and i went to school pick up, a comment was made and that was it. I just ran with it in my head and let myself get so upset and distracted by it that even when Jayden fell and scratched his knee I didn't bolt to pick him up. I don't know if that's because I've seen him go through so much worse or I let myself be distracted. And then I beat myself up afterwards because I didn't race to him. Honestly. Crazy stuff. Obviously I did go to him and hugged him so tight until he felt better but I didn't race to him.

I just find it so damn hard to function outside of my family home sometimes. Seeing other people, talking to them and being so super sensitive to everything. It's insane. It makes me feel insane.

I don't know if it's that I now live in a world that constantly contains sadness and fear of the future and as I try to overcome it each day, each day the suppressing of it makes me crazier. I don't know. I truly am so confused, often.

I had a cry with a friend today out the front of my house. A much needed one but I so wish I could function somehow. Find a place of peace to rest my thoughts, stresses, worries, fears and sadness. To put them in a place for a while and just take a break.

I just feel like I've truly had enough sometimes. Enough worrying.
Just wish I had a time to breathe. I so wish for that mundane life back that I once had. I feel like I'm slowly suffocating in this one sometimes.

Jayden's so special. So beautiful and I love him to bits. Every little peace of him. I'm so damn scared.

The other day I read another little precious man lost his fight and it knocks me around something shocking. Like all of us travelling this journey. It's a reminder. Not that we need reminding. But it slaps you in the face. All I could think about was his mother. Her pain and how damn unfair all this shit is.

I can't write anymore. I need to sleep. I hope it comes quick.....

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, 23 November 2013

I haven't stopped thinking about a friend of mine since I last saw her the other day. A cancer mum too. A beautiful lady with a beautiful boy whom also is in remission. When she spoke with us her eyes were red and I knew she was working hard to keep it together for our benefit. Selfless beautiful woman. It reminded me as to what lengths us cancer mums must go in order to function within the normal society in which we live. Deep inside we are hurting like hell, yet outside our world we live in just ticks along, taking us with it even though all we want to do is stop, crawl up in a ball and cry. It reminded me how hard it is to put on that brave face for the sake of others and to be that normal mum everyone expects us to be and is most 'comfortable' around. Very few people are ok in the company of someone crying. And very few would understand as to why.

So instead we talk about the weather, laugh at people's jokes, discuss anything and everything that's not childhood cancer related for the sake of keeping it together and fitting in. For a real conversation that is related to our lives stirs up so many emotions its almost impossible to contain and requires an enormous amount of energy to remain composed. and no amount of talk could possibly make someone understand.

What's even more ridiculous is I often avoid those conversations because I don't want the people I'm with to feel uncomfortable. I don't want to ruin their evening????? So instead I sit and try to join in while inside I'm struggling beyond belief. I know I feel completely different to them as they talk with ease about the trivial stuff that's going on in their lives. I nod and try to understand the importance of it all but Inside I'm struggling. I'm aware that to others their issues are important to them and I'm aware that they couldn't possibly understand otherwise at that point in their lives. I'm not bagging them by any means. I've got to a point of understanding rather than frustration which I once felt. However it doesn't change the hurt I feel and the struggle I go through in order to function in these settings. Hence I avoid social gatherings as much as humanly possible.

I watched my friend walk away from us that day after saying good bye and that memory stayed with me. It was as if time stood still as she walked, her son by her side. I felt like crying for her, for this whole situation and the life we now live. The uncertainty of our sons futures, the fear and sadness that goes with that. I was so sorry for her. For us both. For every mother that travels this journey.
Of course I try to remain positive but some days are so very hard to do that and I knew she was having one of those days. I so wanted to wave a wand and point it at her and her son and take away all the pain felt by her by wishing him cured for ever. I felt her pain. A helpless feeling of not being able to change it. Take it away.

What we do do as cancer mums is try to make the most of every precious day we are blessed with, with our kids. We no longer sweat the small stuff or take life for granted. We are forever changed living within a world that although does not change with us, we learn to manage to live in, as best we can. There is no going back to the life we once had, which is so hard to accept, but we do. Although we wish everyday that life were different, we live that day as best we can.
For life goes on around us no matter how much we hurt and no matter how much we wish it were different......

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, 22 November 2013


We arrived back yesterday from our mini break at Rottnest. With out a doubt it was one of the loveliest times away with our family. Everyone enjoyed it. Truly beautiful time where lots of wonderful memories were made. Hoping that we get to do this every year, all together, for a very long time to come.

In our driveway Tuesday morning ready to set off. ( yes, Jayden has no seat belt on and his seat hasn't been adjusted properly yet- that's because the kids all got in the car an hour before we needed to go and I was yet to fix all this as I was still loading car).

On the ferry! Yah! All very excited.

In the back of the child carrier posing so elegantly..... Little rascal. In fabulous spirits.

Arrived at house an straight to the beach! So excited!

On the park near the cafe up the road from where we were staying.

On the slide.

Back at the villa after a big day riding. Now doing some drawing.

A picture for jenny our neighbour.

Back to the beach...

Digging with dad...

More drawing out on our balcony.

Bed hair!

Getting ready for another day out riding.

Mr cool dude. Socks and Sunnys. Love it.

Loving the beach.

Hanging with dad.

His highlight of the holiday....watching the workman.

Ready to ride

At the beach... Again.

Out for dinner.

At the park

Dad and daughter time

Cooking up a storm

Back from the beach.

Having fun back at the beach before dinner.

Loving seeing Jayden enjoy the water again. It brought back memories of before diagnosis when Jayden loved the beach. It's taken a while to see that little boy back and this holiday made it possible. Such a great feeling.

Back in the bike carrier and
Riding again

Leaving. :(

Goodbye Rottnest. Thanks for having us. We had a wonderful time.