Sunday, 17 November 2013

After writing last nights blog I sat with my head in my hands and wept. It felt almost like a part of some routine like cleaning my teeth or brushing my hair.... A cry. For when it was over I got up put myself to bed and slept.

I've woken this morning to my beautiful little man putting kisses all over my face. It was early, very early but what a beautiful way to wake up in the morning. We snuggled in the bed and chatted for a while before we got up. I held his little hand while he talked and snuggled and thought how perfect it was. I noticed every bit of it, holding it I thought about how small it is. Holding it and hoping with all my might that one day I get to hold it when it's the same size as mine. I so wish and hope for that.

I notice everything. His hair, how it falls, his face and so much about it, dimples, colour of his skin. Every single bit of him. They call it mindfulness. I get it. Being mindful of every moment and living in that moment. It's the last part I find the most tricky. Because that means not to think about the future and that's hard. No matter how hard I try to block it out, it's looming. Hanging in my mind, ready to spoil every moment with its wave of sadness.

I try to except that this is my life now but there really is no way of doing that. For excepting would mean to say it's ok and none of this is ok.

I was hanging the last of the lights last night as I found a box we missed while the kids were getting ready for bed. Excitement was racing through me as I wanted to get them up before they came out and I couldn't wait for them to see the final product. But as I hung them, enjoying the happiness of making them happy, thoughts of the future kept jumping in and spoiling that beautiful feeling....How
many more Christmases will I get to do this for all three of them. How many more Christmases will Jayden have with us. It's hard to fight it. The thoughts. Sometimes I just feel like collapsing in a ball. Running with the thoughts. And balling my eyes out. I don't and I feel myself fighting them off. Swallowing the tears and continued to hang the lights. It's a buggar though because after those thoughts enter it's difficult to truly enjoy what I so much want to be able to enjoy.

It was all worth it last night though to see their beautiful little faces light up at the lights.

Today I have been running around getting things organised for us to go away. Just for three nights as it's difficult for danny to get time off but we are happy just to get away. No matter how long.

We leave tomorrow and the kids are so very excited. I'm not sure if they are more excited about going away or missing out on school?

Jayden has still been unwell and I'm nervous taking him away when he doesn't feel a hundred percent but I also know if anyone can enjoy themselves when they are unwell, he can. He doesn't sit around moping, he just gets on with it. I just love my little man so much. All my kids....

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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