I get about my days suppressing my emotions, keeping it together and going through the motions of everyday living. But inside is a big pot of emotions simmering. I don't realise how intense and full it is until something stirs it up and I boil over. When it happens I'm overwhelmed by the feelings, stressed to the point of not being able to focus on anything and I feel like I've been covered by a blanket of anxiety and sadness. It's not a normal feeling and it's difficult to explain but when it happens it's slaps me in the face with a very clear reminder that coping now is virtually impossible at times.
My point in this entry is to say that life as I use to know it is no longer and even though I get about my days as if it were the same, it isn't. It never will be . The way I think, function, cope, everything , different. And I am super sensitive about remarks made about our life.
So, I just need to say this; if I smile at you when you walk in my door and behave like nothing is wrong, doesn't mean I'm not crumbling inside. It doesn't mean I don't wake everyday with the feelings of utter sadness and fear of the future. Yes, I try my damnedest to make the most of each day and appreciate every one of them. And yes I'm well aware that we are lucky to have our son with us and there are many, many people who are so much worse off. I know that.
But unless you walk in my shoes don't tell me how it is for me.
Someone did that to me today.
Apologised later but they are not alone. Many people are so quick to judge what it's like for others and how they "think" they would be in those circumstances or how they think you should think. Fact is, nobody knows what it's like for someone else with anything, unless they are that person. And when it comes to telling someone who is already super sensitive, barely coping somedays, and an emotional basket case often.... Well that's just really silly.
I just needed to get that out.
It's late now. I'm tired. Jayden is sound asleep along with everyone else.
I need to sleep.......
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