Friday, 8 November 2013

I was woken this morning to my beautiful little mans smile. Love that so very much. "Can we get up now mummy?" He said. As much as I would have liked to go back to sleep I know there is so much more to have by getting up. His squishy little cuddles for one. He always wants me to carry him into the kitchen and I simply would t have it any other way. I pick him up, snuggle him close, take in a big breath with the smell of his hair and just soak him up. Lots of kisses on his little head and face as I carry him and then we sit on the couch in the lounge room to watch tv. Too early for kids shows so we pick out a DVD make a cup of tea and snuggle up to watch the flick. "All dogs go to heaven ". Oldie but a goodie and I tried hard not to think too much into it.

I can't imagine ever not being able to cuddle him, smell his hair, kiss him, watch tv with him, be with him. I try to focus on the now and enjoy the moment and make it as natural as possible but a part of me feels a sense of desperation to want each moment to last, forever . Have each moment imprinted in my memory forever. And as the thoughts of fear of the future enter my mind I continue to struggle to shut them out . Because no matter how I live this life there is no denying they are there but they do me no good and I know that .

I know I have to focus on today, be grateful for today and my goodness am I? Absolutely! But as I breathe in his smell, squeeze him in a hug I just feel this fear inside me and I just don't want to let him go. If I could hold him in my arms forever I would. Keep him safe forever in my arms, that's where he would be . But I can't and I have to have hope that he will be ok.
I hope with every inch of my soul that he will be. I want so many more mornings with him , cups of teas , cuddles.... Lots and lots of cuddles. Smiles . Fun. A lifetime of it all.

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