It's 2:00am and I can't sleep. There's so much emotional stuff that is involved in travelling this journey that often sleep is almost impossible to achieve.
I spend so much time when I'm on my own and it's quiet trying to make sense of it all. Often those thoughts interrupt my sleep and I'm left tossing and turning trying to sort it all out.
Friendships with people who don't understand this journey are hard to keep. When I have friends it's important to me to be able to relate on some emotional level as well as just being a friend. I have plenty of people I know who i love and I adore but to get what I really need from a relationship based on friendship I need so much more . A sense of understanding of this journey is so very vital for me to truly be able to be myself, otherwise I find myself 'acting' And that can be so exhausting over time .
I don't want to have to pretend all the time. I want to be able to stop in mid sentence because I've had an emotional wave come through and that person to understand. Not have to suppress that emotion in order to be " normal ".
Today my dad and I had a coffee and we talked about mum. Our conversation lead to just before mum died and the pain relief she received and the things she had said in that time. She was told they were going to put her on a morphine drip. She had asked. " will I know what's going when Im on that". They replied "no " and she told them she didn't want it. So she endured the pain so that she would be able to know when we were in the room. As dad was speaking I felt that wave , the sheer dread rush over me and I felt sick. Dad saw it, asked me what I'm thinking and I was able to blurt out my pain. I cried and he understood. Not much was spoken at that time. But a sense of understanding warmed the room and I could be myself. My dad understands and he understands me. And off course above all else, there is that unconditional love.
Jayden walked in the room then and I immediately snapped out of it and my 'happy mum' facade was back and switched on.
My little man, none the wiser of my sadness as I have learnt to be really efficient at hiding that from him and my other kids.
I sat at the kitchen table the other night with my older two, doing homework and a message came through on my phone informing of a friends child had passed away. I knew he was very unwell but I had no idea that he would pass so soon. I sat there after reading the message and could not do what I so desperately wanted to do. The wave rushed over me again and I sat there in silence keeping it together for my kids. Again , they were none the wiser. when evening came and I was alone in it came. The wave of emotion, so powerful it makes me physically feel sick and my whole body feel weak. I sat on my own in the silence while everyone slept and I wept. I cried my eyes out in a failed attempt to release the pain I carry.
This journey is full of sadness. And whilst it goes on I have to function in a normal world 'my neighbourhood' that is none the wiser of all this shit that happens. And certainly none the wiser of all the pain that exists within it. Pain that's so great that in order to function normally can often leave you so exhausted.
I cannot put words to how hard that is. That so often I just want to ball my eyes out but I don't. That I often feel the waves rush over me at the most unlikely times and I spend every bit of my energy suppressing them 'so to fit in' . But just as they are exhausting to suppress they are also exhausting to run with.
I'm truly struggling at this moment. I want to sleep but I'm hurting. My heart aches and my mind can't stop racing.
My dad said to me the other day "no one will ever understand your situation unless they are living it. Day in day out it doesn't go away for you. There is no break" he said it with the deepest understanding and heartache, no doubt for him to have to witness. I know he wishes he could take that pain from me. But even if he could, I would not give it to him. For I wouldn't want anyone to endure this. Yet I know so many who do.
What I wouldn't give to change it for all of us.
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