Monday, 4 November 2013

It's been a while since I wrote which means I've missed putting down the events of the days, but hopefully the best bits remain in my memories forever.

Thursday was the last day I wrote and it is now Monday. Another weekend has gone and already I'm looking forward to the next. Love it when my kids are home, really should have home schooled them.

Friday day I went to a gathering that a mother from school suggested I go to. It was a group of women who get together every Friday and discuss issues that are important to them. They also follow the Baha'i religion that I knew nothing about. I've mentioned before that I was not bought up with religion, however in a lot of ways I wish I were. I know many people who were, and having a faith helps them through difficult times. I know with my journey I have constantly searched for some sense of peace in this painful existence and that search always seems to lead me to having some sort of faith. A belief.

For me however, it's difficult to believe in something I cannot touch, see or feel but with this journey, comes a constant searching for answers. If there is in fact answers..Answers to the whys? The what ifs? And the desperate need to believe that there is something more.  A reason.  A hope.  I've often felt my mum is with me which has made me question the beliefs I once had and I hope with all my might that it is her, that there is indeed something more and that she will be there for my son if I do ever lose him. I hope with all my might and every inch of my being that i don't ever see that day but if i do, I want to believe that she is there waiting with her arms out wide to give him a cuddle that only nannas know how.

I arrived at the ladies house not far from where I live to be welcomed by a handful of friendly faces. One of which was of course the mother who invited me to come. Everyone was very nice, kind and welcoming. After the introductions I sat down on the comfy couch with everyone else. As soon as I sat down and the woman hosting began to talk I felt a great need to cry my eyes out. I don't know if it was because I was amongst kind and caring people or that I simply just needed too. I didn't at first. Instead they talked about the topic presented for the day. Each time they meet they talk about something different.

Of course as the conversation developed I wound up talking about Jayden. Out came the tears. Plenty of them. I was able to express myself in a caring environment without being judged but instead nurtured and given words of understanding. Two other woman shared their stories of great loss and I immediately felt understood. I'm so glad I went and intend to again next Friday.

That was good for me and I felt safe.

The weekend was full of spending time with the kids. Saturday I took the kids to see Danny's mum as danny was at his course all day. It's always lovely to spend time in the hills and to see her. The kids loved it too.

Jayden loves the dress ups Nanna has and every time we visit he winds up in a princess dress. Love it!

We came home in the afternoon and danny arrived home not long after. Dinner then playing out the front with the hose finished off a lovely Saturday.

The kids rode their scooters while Danny squirted them with the hose then they played in the puddles.

Sunday we hung out at home until the afternoon when danny and I went to the "you are beautiful" exhibition in Perth while Danny's parents babysat.

It was nice for us to get out on our own as we don't often do that but I still missed the kids. We got there on time and walked in looking for the picture of Jayden. We finally saw it and it bought tears to my eyes. It looked amazing. I've seen it on the computer but nothing compares to having it right in front of you. They had his name below it with the words "I want to be a big boy". That hit me hard and I just wanted to sob my heart out there and then. I didn't. We looked at the other photos, all beautiful then stood around having a drink. Without the company of others (as we knew no one there) our conversation was limited. Weird that we live with each other everyday yet left to our own devices out together we can't seem to muster up a conversation that lasts longer than a minute. It wasn't long before we decided to leave and grab a bite to eat on the way home.

Above is the picture that is of Jayden at the exhibition to raise funds for WA cancer support.

It's Monday now and Jayden has been very ill with a virus. It started with a cold a while ago, that turned to croup and then continued as a cold. The weekend he seemed to be coping ok but very congested and come Sunday night he wasn't well at all and this morning he woke with a temperature and complaining of pain.
I took him to our GP today after he spiked a temp of 39.5 and continued to complain of pain.

The GP told me it was just a virus and it will run its course. I have to say I find it very difficult to trust doctors now. Once apon a time I believed their every word. Now I question everything. And I'm rarely ever convinced they are right. I'm still not convinced this is normal for my son to be ill so often and a big part of me is concerned that it's something more, that they are missing something. I don't know these days though whether that's my mothers gut instinct or the paranoid mother that I've become. Either way, I can't help but be concerned.

Asleep with dad on the couch. They look so uncomfortable but snoring soundly.

He still manages to smile. Love my little man.

At our beautiful neighbours house. Jayden and "jenny " picking strawberries and eating them.

It's now the evening and everyone's asleep. I so hope my little man wakes up feeling better tomorrow.

Every time i see him unwell it breaks my heart. It worries me silly and all I want is him well again. He wanted to see the doctor today. He knew he was unwell and he asked to go. He's so use to seeing them now, that makes me sad. He can also wee in a cup on demand. Whenever the doctors require a wee sample he's happy to do it in the surgery toilet there and then. I hate that he's so familiar with it. I hate that he knows so much about all that stuff because it reminds me of what he's been through.

My beautiful little man.... I love him so very much.

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