Tuesday, 26 November 2013

It's late. I want to go to sleep but I'm feeling completely lost in my own home. So many emotions running around in my head that It makes me feel like I'm a basket case.

We had a great day with a visit from the police for Jayden which put smiles on all our faces yet now I'm flat. The policeman were great. So wonderful with Jayden. Truly special. He said tonight that he wishes they would come back and he could show them his room and they come play toys with him. Beautiful. He loved them. Truly wonderful bunch of people. We loved them too.

But after they left and i went to school pick up, a comment was made and that was it. I just ran with it in my head and let myself get so upset and distracted by it that even when Jayden fell and scratched his knee I didn't bolt to pick him up. I don't know if that's because I've seen him go through so much worse or I let myself be distracted. And then I beat myself up afterwards because I didn't race to him. Honestly. Crazy stuff. Obviously I did go to him and hugged him so tight until he felt better but I didn't race to him.

I just find it so damn hard to function outside of my family home sometimes. Seeing other people, talking to them and being so super sensitive to everything. It's insane. It makes me feel insane.

I don't know if it's that I now live in a world that constantly contains sadness and fear of the future and as I try to overcome it each day, each day the suppressing of it makes me crazier. I don't know. I truly am so confused, often.

I had a cry with a friend today out the front of my house. A much needed one but I so wish I could function somehow. Find a place of peace to rest my thoughts, stresses, worries, fears and sadness. To put them in a place for a while and just take a break.

I just feel like I've truly had enough sometimes. Enough worrying.
Just wish I had a time to breathe. I so wish for that mundane life back that I once had. I feel like I'm slowly suffocating in this one sometimes.

Jayden's so special. So beautiful and I love him to bits. Every little peace of him. I'm so damn scared.

The other day I read another little precious man lost his fight and it knocks me around something shocking. Like all of us travelling this journey. It's a reminder. Not that we need reminding. But it slaps you in the face. All I could think about was his mother. Her pain and how damn unfair all this shit is.

I can't write anymore. I need to sleep. I hope it comes quick.....

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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