Yesterday was orientation day. A day where you meet the teachers and other parents and their children and learn about what the kids will be doing throughout their Kindy year.
I have to say, I didn't want to go. I probably didn't need to either as most of the stuff being told to us I already knew having both Layla and Luke go to the same Kindy. Of course some things have changed, certainly what they are learning now has and the parents are obviously different people.
I went however because I try to make Jayden's life as normal as possible. I'm wishing I hadn't though as it was truly emotionally hard. As soon as we walked around the corner of our street and I saw the Kindy I felt like I couldn't breathe. All the parents gathered with their children outside waiting to go in. Like a big slap in the face. A reminder of what I no longer have. And on top of that, the thought of not having Jayden with me and a complete stranger caring for him. All very overwhelming.
I struggled the whole time I was there and when no one was around me I had a cry. Hard not to shed a tear as my little man played on the playground equipment. As I watched him I wished I could enjoy the moment instead of feeling so sad about the future. I wished so bad I could be thinking what the other parents were and having The thoughts I had when I took Layla through this process and Luke. But I don't. It's so different this time. Totally different ball game.
Now I sit there watching, hoping and praying he actually does get to go to Kindy and then pre primary and so forth. Hoping and praying he gets to be a big boy. Hoping and praying he gets to drive a car like he so desperately wants to one day like his dad. Just hoping so desperately for time. And lots off it.
I couldn't wait to leave and Jayden was happy to go. He was disappointed Luke wasn't there as he had thought that going to Kindy meant seeing Luke but of course they are in different parts of the school. When I later told Luke that Jayden was sad he wasn't there he said "ohhh mum. I'm sad too I wasn't there. I wish I could be". He loves his brother so much. He told me the other night that out of everyone in the family he loves Jayden the most. Bless. I love my big boy. He makes me so proud. He is a big softy who loves so much. Will make some lovely lady a happy woman one day I'm sure.
I wish I could have the same hopes and dreams for Jayden. I do but they are so clouded with doubt and fear. Every time he talks about when he gets bigger it's like a knife going through my heart. I so want his wishes to come true. All our wishes. We all want to be a family of five for ever. I so hope and pray for that.
Today we went to the river for a BBQ. Thanks to the brilliant suggestion from Layla.
I love getting out and doing things like that with us all. The kids love being together and I just love seeing them so happy together.
Love my kids. Love moments like these.