Sunday, 8 December 2013

I had a panic attack last night. It woke me from my sleep. The feeling of my chest so tight and the inability to breathe. I woke danny whom calmed me. I felt so scared, vulnerable. I knew what it was caused from. I knew it was because of stress. The weekend I had and the lead up to the evening that passed.

I was meant to talk at an event about my sons journey last night. I had spent all week writing what I wanted to say and that's why I haven't been writing in here. I was still editing it and changing it five minutes before we left. I just wanted it to be perfect, and I didn't want to miss anything out.

We arrived at the event on time and sat in the carpark watching people go in. It was an event held by the Telethon Adventurers. An organisation that I fully support and love the people behind it. I felt truly honoured to be asked to speak but as I sat in the carpark I began to feel increasingly nervous. Social events just aren't our thing, especially now. I find it incredibly difficult to participate in small talk and for me, it's just really tricky.

It was fancy dress.

Us before we left and Jayden dressed up in his pirate suit when he saw us in ours.

We mustered up the courage and went in. It was held on a sailing boat. Well, huge sailing boat that looks like a pirate ship. Beautiful ship. Great setting for a party.

We settled in on board and it wasn't long before I felt very unsettled about speaking. Everyone was in wonderful spirits, they had a comedian as the MC and it began to feel not "right". It was incredibly windy. Everyone was in party spirits. I couldn't do it. I spent so much time on this talk. It was the first time I could speak in public about my little man and that meant a great deal. It meant so much to me and danny. I couldn't possibly speak about something so important in our lives for a word of it to be blown in the wind. Or a word of it not heard. I know that Jayden isn't as important to everyone else as he is to me but I didn't feel that talking about him in that setting would have honoured him or our families situation. I realised as well that putting it in a blog and saying it in public is two entirely different things. It's easy to write things and not know if someone is or isn't reading it. But to say it where I can see the people listening is hard. It would have crushed me if I saw one person in the crowd looking away or pouring themselves a drink, or distracted in anyway. That would have hurt way beyond words. too much.

So I didn't do it. I spoke to emily and as always she was so understanding. Beautiful person, wonderful lady. I I felt really bad for backing out and I should have found out more about the event before I said ok. I know that was my fault. I was too focused on what to say to take the time to do that. My mistake.

So I tossed and turned about it all night last night to the point of exhaustion and eventually into a very scarey panic attack.

I have to say there was a build up from the weekend as well that compounded the situation too and I think by Sunday I felt like an emotional pin cushion.

I had taken the kids away on Friday to Mandurah for my dads Christmas family get together. The kids love this event as we get to stay at a lovely place with a pool and one of the uncles dresses as Santa and gives out a stocking full of lollies to each of the kids there. Jayden was particularly excited about that!

I didn't blog about it as last time we went away we had intruders in our backyard which fortunately our neighbours alerted too. This time danny never came but when we arrived back someone had ripped up our beautiful Xmas tree lights from our front garden. We were all crushed about that and it made us all feel like we should take them down. I do wonder about what people are thinking when they do such a thing.

Very sad.

We arrived in Mandurah on the Friday and the kids spent heaps of time in the pool. Jayden was a little nervous at first and held my hand the whole time he walked in the kiddies pool which he could easily stand in.
By the next day I was so proud of him as he did it without holding my hand and it wasn't long after that they he tried out a tube and loved it!

It truly put the biggest smile on my face as it wasn't that long ago that he was frightened of the water as we had put that fear in him from not allowing him near it because of his Broviac. but with the time spent away at Rottnest and now here he has truly began to love it. And it is an experience I so wanted him to enjoy again one day and that day was the day. Yah for my beautiful man! So proud.

Have to get kids ready for school now so will post this now and continue the rest of it later.........

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