Sunday, 1 December 2013

I put my little man to bed last night. He only falls asleep when I cuddle him. Snuggled up close to him I watch as he falls asleep. His body relaxes and his breathing is deep. I stay there for as long as I can. Watching him. Taking in, every second and hoping with all my might I get to watch him for a very long time to come.

After a while I have to leave him as Layla pokes her head in the doorway whispering how long am I going to be? She loves sitting up watching tv with me. I tell her in a few minutes and off she goes. As I slip my hand gently out from under his body I look at him for a little while longer and think how grateful I am that he is at home with us, where he should be. I never stop thinking this.

I slowly climb out of bed and as I do I'm thinking about the parents and children in the hospital right now. I walk up the hallway and think about when I use to walk the hallways of the hospital. I will never forget that time. Nor will I ever take for granted being home with all my family under the one roof. I will never, ever forget when it wasn't.

Every time I hang the clothes on the line, wash the dishes, anything... Any of the simple tasks I do at home I never take for granted. I will never forget the time when I couldn't do them for my family as my son and I were away in hospital. Now as I do these things I think of those that are in hospital now. It never stops. Children never stop being diagnosed with cancer and this journey my family has taken and continue to do so with our precious Jayden is being taken by many, everyday.

There's no way of getting away from the heartache. Once you begin this journey there is no way your life is ever the same. You meet others travelling this journey and you become friends because of circumstances you wish never existed and you hurt for them as they do you and you pray for their children as they do you. An extended family you never thought you would have but can't live without.

Right now my two boys are playing in the bath. I'm sitting just outside listening to their beautiful chatter. I love my kids so much. The fear inside me still simmers and I know always will. I'm managing to keep it that way most days, just simmering. Today however Jayden laid down on the carpet out of the blue putting his head down and said he was tired. That may seem like nothing to some and I so hope it is. But the fear that's simmering inside me boils over at the slightest sign of concern as it did at that moment. The fear that never goes away and never will.

I know I will never stop worrying so I continue to keep going besides my underlying feeling of sheer panic and concern. And after he has his little rest we made a gingerbread cake together with Luke and Layla. I Just carried on as per usual, all the while, hoping and praying it's all just nothing. Watching him through my internal microscope. Looking, worrying I will see something wrong. Hoping and praying I don't.

The kids had a fabulous time decorating their gingerbread cake . We didn't follow the instructions which made it all the More fun and unique.

This is Jayden in his elf outfit I purchased for him today after much pleading for it in a shopping catalogue . Love it. His face lit up when I showed him what I had in my bag when I came home and he clutched his face with glee and the only words to come out of his mouth were "wow" over and over again. So happy with it and on it went straight away. So easily pleased. Such a beautiful moment I will treasure.

After we finished the gingerbread house decorating, we ate some of it and then headed to the river for some family time.

These times are so precious. A simple drive to the river and splash around. Looking for shells and examining bits and pieces we find along the way. Watching my kids play together, laugh and enjoying the outdoors. Truly precious. Always aware that others are not enjoying this. Always aware that these moments are like gold. So very Precious and never taking any of them for granted.

Silly face in the car

Layla and Jayden hanging out

More silly faces in the car in our driveway.

Love my kids.....

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