I'm still laying next to him and I'm so grateful for this moment. For each and every moment I get with him. With all my kids.
We had another day at home playing Lego and hanging out. He's never really one to want to go anywhere. He's just so happy to be home and hang out with mum, or dad. He comes to the shops with me or anywhere else I go but he's just as happy to be home. Me too.
I quickly popped out to the shops this morning by myself though, for some last minute shopping and then back home. I bought Jayden a tractor trailer "ride on" today for Xmas. I ummmed and ahhhed about it for ages as it was very expensive. However I knew he really wanted it and believed Santa was going to give it to him. I almost had to pass on it because of the price but in the end I just couldn't say no and decided i would take some others things back to the shops to make up for it. I just couldn't pass on this.
My thoughts when making this decision was "what if this is his last Xmas... And I didn't get it. I know I would hate myself for that". I also know I shouldn't think that way but it's almost impossible not to. So much of my Christmas shopping has been done with those thoughts in mind. I just hope that I can make it the best Xmas ever. One that none of us will forget.
I have to say as I lay here now I'm glad I did. I feel really good that he's going to wake up Christmas morning and see it there. (Only hope I got the right one). I have spent more than usual and know i should be saving more instead. but I also know the smiles on my kids faces on Christmas morning will out way any loss of savings. Really excited about seeing those grins. Will be a beautiful feeling.
He's now snoring peacefully. Love that sound. Love all the sounds he makes. Except the ones made from vomiting. The other night as we sat eating dinner he had a coughing episode which is always how his vomits start. It immediately got my attention and I felt my heart sink. In that second, I watched him, he looked at me holding his mouth. I looked at him worried out of my mind. Him wondering why I'm worried. Me, holding my breath, praying. Fortunately, and thank heavens, He didn't vomit. I relaxed a little but didnt take my eyes of him and sat, quietly stressing.
It never goes away. The dark cloud that looms. The worry of the future. I get moments when I'm able to breathe and as time goes on they get a little longer but the second something like that happens it all comes rushing back in. The fear. The fear of the future.
I hope and pray with all my heart that I will see my son grow old, all my kids. See him grow Into a man. A dad. Hold his babies. I know for now, all I have is today. I know this is what I have to focus on. But I will always hope for a lifetime.
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