Thursday, 19 December 2013

Missing out

I have Been meaning to write this blog entry since Mandurah but so many other things have come up I haven't until now.
I wanted to express my thoughts on the topic "missing out".

Every parent doesn't like their child to "miss out". Whether it be a special occasion, a certificate, a group exercise, anything that their peers receive, we don't like to see our kids miss out. We know it hurts them and we in turn, hurt for them.
But when your a mum of a child that's had cancer and that child missed out on something that you know they are entitled to have and for what ever reason they were overlooked then, that is huge! Monumental huge!

It sends you into a tail spin that works its way through you so fast that theirs no way of stopping it. It brings to the surface every moment, every second that your child spent in hospital, sick, and "missing out". It brings to the surface every procedure your child had to endure while other kids their age were playing in the playground. All the emotion that goes with that, all the memories that you never, ever, forget and all the sadness and knowledge that your child may miss out on the very thing you bought this child into this world for- LIFE! So when your child misses out on something that others may think of as nothing, well, it most certainly is NOT nothing.

Sure, your child gets over it but you don't. You don't because you've watched your child endure so much already. You've watched them miss out on so much already and to see then miss out on anything, no matter how minuscule it may be to others, it's huge. It is definitely not minuscule to a parent of a child with cancer. Nothing is minuscule anymore. Today is no longer minuscule. It's huge! There's no "oh well, there's always next year". No longer can you say that. What if there isn't a next year? Is what you think. And if there's not then your child has missed out monumentally on an experience that they deserve and you know they have already missed out on so much. They have missed out on so much life, play, and being a normal kid. And the words "ITS NOT FAIR" ring through your head like a loud orchestra.

This happened to Jayden when we went to Mandurah for our Christmas stay. What happened was the planned visit from Santa Claus happened after Jayden was put to bed when previous years it had always occurred around 5ish. Yes, I admit there was a lack of communication as I wasn't aware he was coming late and Santa wasn't aware Jayden was going to bed. However I did ask if he could come in the morning so Jayden wouldn't miss out but was sadly declined. So yes, it sent me into an emotional tail spin that had me yelling at my dad through tears "that no one understands how bloody hard this fricken journey is" and an hour spent balling my eyes out next to Jayden as he slept.

Days have past and I'm able to look back on it and remind myself of the world I now live in is very different from the normal world in which it exists. I had briefly forgotten that then. I had the assumption then that everyone else there would 'know' how monumentally important it was for Jayden not to miss out on seeing Santa. that he was so excited about seeing him and how gutted I would be if he didn't. That every time he mentioned him afterwards, the next morning when he saw the Xmas sacks and not one for him, when we left and he asked about him, made me want to burst into tears all over again and scream my head off at the faces that thought it was no big deal. But that would be unfair, as all of those people concerned couldn't possibly understand the devastation to me of my child missing out. They couldn't possibly get that, and it's unfair of me to expect them too. But that doesn't mean I'm not incredibly frustrated.

Fortunately we have a wonderful friend who listened to me have a king whinge about this event when we came home and took it upon herself to get Santa to our house. God, how I love this lady. So Jayden got to have that experience in the end. The big point I'm making here though is this, when our children miss out its big! Really big! Bigger than big. So if you ever hear a mother going absolutely nuts about her son or daughter missing out on something you think is minuscule and she's a cancer mum then, you will hopefully, understand why.



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