Monday, 23 December 2013

One more sleep

It's early. I'm awake before everyone else, for a change. Jayden is snuggled up next to me, snoring quietly. Luke is on the other side sleeping well too.

It's 5:30 and I should be sleeping in too. Don't often get the opportunity to sleep past that time. But I wanted to quickly jot in here a few lines while I have the chance.

It's Christmas tomorrow and I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful my little man is with us and we are going to be celebrating as a family.

I worry and fear about the future and it hurts beyond belief but I try not to think of a Xmas without my son and instead focus on this Christmas that I will have with him and hope and pray I will have many, many more yet with him, with all my kids. But I would be lying if I said the fear was not in the back of my mind always, as I wrap the presents and do all the things that go with celebrating the day. I'd be lying if I said I didn't fear that this Xmas could be our last with him. I'd be lying if I said I'm not going out of my way in case it is. I would be being honest if I said that I'm petrified that it may be our last and I'm trying with all my might not to think about the next one or the one after because when I do the fear and sadness kicks in and I find myself in a world of pain.

I lay here with him now and I'm so grateful he is here. That I will see his smile as he opens his presents tomorrow and hear his laughter. There is not an inch of me that doesn't hope with all my might that I will see him grow old and celebrate so many more Christmases with him. The pain of knowing I may not is truly unbearable. I love him so much. Every little piece of him. Everything about him. As I cry now at the very thought, I try so hard to breathe and just live in the now. Remind myself he is here and that is truly wonderful. But damn, it's hard not to be scared.






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