Tuesday, 3 December 2013


I think I'm managing and as the day progresses I realise a wave is coming. I'm out picking up my daughter and as I drop into a chemist it hits me. That feeling where your heart feels like it's dropped down into your stomach and the feeling that you can no longer breathe properly. That everything suddenly becomes an effort...

That paragraph I wrote yesterday. It made for a difficult evening and terrible night sleep. It's still around, I can feel it. The wave. Washing in and out when I least expect it and making me feel fragile and vulnerable. I know how sensitive Im feeling and it's all the more difficult when I read about another child passing. I feel it. The hurt. With all my heart and soul. My body aches with the sadness and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
There's no where to run, no where to hide. The sadness of this journey surrounds me, constantly.

I had a beautiful friend spend the day with me today and I'm so grateful she did. My morning started off tricky when I left Jayden with danny to do some Christmas shopping. I just felt so lost in the shop without him and I couldn't concentrate because I couldn't stop thinking about him. Worrying about him. In the end I gave up shopping, grabbed some coffees and came home. I was so glad to see him. Seeing his little smiling face was Like a big weight being lifted off my shoulders. Relief.

I later went back to that same shop but this time with him and my dear friend. And this time I felt like a completely different person in there to whom I was earlier. Just to be with my little man and seeing him smile eases me. Just to have time with him that I know, is so precious. To lose any is hard. Hard to even think of ever not being able to run home and see him when I'm missing him. It kills me inside when those thoughts cross my mind.

I'm so scared. The wave is rushing over me tonight like a damn tidal wave and I wish I could shake the damn thing off.

I wish I could be more positive and write uplifting entries. But that would be not telling it as it is. This is no easy journey and somedays I struggle to reach the end of them without falling apart. Especially at times like these.

I got sidetracked on the computer tonight after dinner whilst deleting something and accidentally came across photos of Jayden when he was in treatment. I still can't believe he had to endure such a traumatic, unbelievably torturous time in his life. He was so little. Still a baby. People are so quick to forget what kids like him have been through when they re enter the normal world. But us mums, never. I know I won't. It plays over in my mind in nightmares as I sleep and even during the day at my weakest moments. I will never forget. Ever. And it frightens me beyond belief.

I looked at those photos and it took me back to that time. The very moment they were taken. Gut wrenching. I sat at the computer and felt the emotions bubbling inside, ready to surface with bucket loads of tears. But in walks Jayden with his huge big smile and wraps his arms around my legs and snuggles his face into my lap and says "love you". As if he knew. Mum needed a cuddle. I cuddled him back and held back the tears, and told him how much I loved him back. I wanted to cry so bad, but didn't and instead talked about Christmas and how exciting it's going to be. Luke joined us and we continued to speak of Santa and all good things kids love.

As a parent I've learnt to hide as much of my emotions in this journey as possible from my kids and when they are around I try to snap my focus back to them. Some days are harder than others but I try my damnedest to enjoy every moment with them. because that's what's important, my kids, always. They are my reason to keep going and keep smiling.

We then got organised for bed and After bath time they played. I love the sound of them laughing together. No one makes Jayden laugh louder than his brother and sister. Truly precious sound. One that I never, ever want to stop hearing.

They are all asleep now and I've had my cry. Off to bed now and hoping sleep comes easily.

In his pjs tonight, with a sticker on his face. Loves to make me laugh.

All smiles out yesterday with Layla, and her friends. Loves the girls.

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- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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