Lack of sleep makes for a truly difficult day. I feel so damn emotional right now I could scream. I know I have to have these days and I know they are normal but I wish I didn't. I wish my mundane life was back and being tired just meant being cranky for the day. Now it leaves me a vulnerable emotional basket case. Although I often feel crazy anyway.
Putting my thoughts down helps. Wish it meant they stayed on the computer screen and didn't remain within me though.
Jayden woke early this morning and woke me up like he always does with kisses on my face. This morning though I told him mummy was too tired and needed to sleep more. He replied" ohhhh" in a disappointed voice but cuddled up to me anyway and went back to sleep. Instead of doing the same I lay there watching him. Soaking every bit of him up.
I didn't get to finish yesterday's blog but later I had a wonderful friend and her son visit. Truly lovely woman travelling her own journey with her son. There is so many of us. It's heartbreaking. I didn't want her to leave when she did. I could have talked to her all day and all night. there's nothing more comforting than to be around someone who understands.
Today I'm not as tired as yesterday, thankfully as that truly makes the days so much harder.
I went to bed with the boys last night and stayed there. So when I woke this morning I felt much better and more able to get through the day,
It's evening now and I'm putting my boys to bed. They are going through their usual routine of wrestling and playing on the bed before books. Love watching them play, seeing their smiles and hearing them laugh. Truly precious times.
I did some Christmas shopping today but as always couldn't wait to get home to my little man. He's been really whingey today at times and had one of his rages this evening. He hasn't had them for a while and recently they have started up again. I'm hoping it's just a normal thing but it frightens me that something more is happening.
They are both asleep now and I should sleep too but I have lots to do. Always got something. And being busy doing stuff and things is the only way to get through my days.
I feel a little restless today. By the end of today I felt like I needed to hide somewhere and just breathe. Disappear and take five. But then I feel guilty for feeling like I need to get away. I beat myself up about even thinking that and then keep on going. Because I know the real thing I want to run away from isn't my family but rather the life in which we exist now. I want to run away from the fear, the worry, the making sure I make every moment count, the never taking anything for granted any more and the constant trying to get it right as to not regret it later. Sometimes, like tonight I just feel so damn exhausted from it all.
I'm trying so hard to make Xmas perfect, petrified it could be our last all together. Not wanting to get one thing wrong. Covering our house with lights decorations and forever being excited about Xmas day for my kids. Making it all, matter.
I just want to say, "whatever". It doesn't matter because if it's crap, next year will be better. If today's no good then tomorrow will be ok. I can't, because I don't know how many tomorrow's i will get so if I stuff one up I'm worried I've lost a precious day.
I'm going to stop complaining now and focus on my little man. Who besides being cranky for most of the afternoon, was as always my gorgeous little boy. I just love him. He has such a round tummy now I just love it. It makes be happy to see him bigger. He was so skinny for so long and now he's put on weight and looks like he should. I love it. His hair is growing like crazy now and he's insistent on not getting it cut as he wants it to be like Layla's, funny.
He makes us laugh everyday. Tonight when no one was paying him any attention he took his shorts off and put them on his head and sat there with them on his head until someone noticed. Funny little rascal.
I try so hard not to think of the future but it's so hard. When I know the outcome of so many is not good, I'm frightened. I feel so scared because what's happening to them is my worst nightmare.
I'm still laying next to him. I hope with every inch of my being, I get all the tomorrows it takes, until he's old and grey.
I so hope for that.
Us waiting out front for our friends to arrive on Wednesday.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone