Going about life in a somewhat numb fashion. Answering questions when asked, joining in conversations and fitting in. Laughing, smiling. The moments short but I have them. The moments of a somewhat normal life. They come, I feel them and in a second their gone. They get longer sometimes. Especially when I'm busy. But no more than a few seconds. I'm always flipping back to the reality of our life, taking a deep breath then trying to get back into the normal. I never stay there long because it's not us any more. Never will be.
No matter how much I try to jump into that life, it's always going to spit me back out again. Our life will never be as it was, and how I felt inside will never, ever be how I did before. Never . I'm not the same person as I was before Jayden was diagnosed. I may look like it from the outside but inside she's not there anymore. Not the mother that was there before. Not the woman, the sister, the friend that was there before. all, Gone. What is left is a woman that has been exposed to so much trauma, sadness and an ongoing awareness of shit that happens to children with cancer. An overwhelming fear now exists within me of losing my child and the knowledge and awareness of so many parents who have.
So I can stand and have a conversation, one about whatever the subject is chosen to be, but inside I'm either numb to the importance of it or am simply unable to reLate anymore.
The next day.......
I'm sitting at the kitchen table. It's early. I'm thinking of a family whom I care for very much who recently lost their child.
More pain. Pain that has entered another families life that no parent and their family should ever have to endure. A sadness so deep. I am certain there are no words stronger enough to describe that sadness and pain, adequately.
I don't know what to write. Lately I've found myself speechless. How much of all of this can be truly digested. In someways I find myself internally shutting some of the feelings out because they are so overwhelming. It's as if Im an emotional vessel that no longer can fit anything more in.
My days are full of pushing the feelings I do contain to the back in order to function. But that is all tested to its limits when someone I know, lives my worst nightmare. The awareness of the reality of this journey is so overwhelming. My heart aches for this family, and I'm so scared. I feel like it's only a matter of time. How much time....I don't know. That's where I shut down. Because the very thought is so awful, so painful, that I don't know what to do with it, .
I know I've written this so many times before. Of how much I wish I could change this for this family and so many others. For all of us. I really wish that were possible. A magic wand. If only....,
Having the kids home from school has been a wonderful distraction. Spending time with them is gold. Always keeping me busy and making me smile. They are what I live for. The reason I get through my days.
I hope and pray they are all, still with me when I'm old and grey. And most of all I hope That they all, live long, healthy, happy lives. More than anything in the world I hope for that.
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