Tuesday, 21 January 2014

I went to PMH this morning with my other son Luke. He had an appointment.
As always, it was painful to go anywhere near that hospital and even more so at the moment with Jayden's MRI coming up tomorrow.

On our way out I had to go to the bathroom. When I came out to Luke waiting for me in the hallway a mother with her daughter in her arms was walking towards us on their way to ward 3b. Her daughter was red around the eyes obviously from crying. She had an NG tube, was skeletal, had very little hair and pain in her eyes. In both their eyes. The mother was trying to soothe her daughter as she walked quickly towards the ward. It took all my power within me not to burst into tears for this child and her mother. As they walked past us it was like life was in slow motion. Watching them pass. Seeing their Pain. So much sadness and pain. I could feel her worry, fear, sadness and I wanted to embrace them both. The sight of them both stayed with me as we walked to the car, all the while thinking "I still can't believe how this can happen ?" I still can't believe it happened to my son and I can't believe It continues to happen, nothing changes. Every politician in the world needs to see the face of this child and mother and so many many others. They need to feel that pain, that fear because while they don't, they couldn't possibly understand. Or care as much as they should.

I couldn't stop thinking of them all the way home. feeling for them and the overwhelming fear for my son. Wanting so very bad to help them but knowing the only thing that mother wants is something I can't give, and that sucks.

Seeing them was also a reminder of how raw my emotions are and how damn scared I am of tomorrow.

I couldn't write in this blog last night even though I needed to. My fear is so overwhelming that to write how I feel has become even scarier. Like it's safer to suck up the emotions than let them out.

When I'm asked how I'm feeling I can't even answer that question honestly. I don't want to as it's so damn hard to even go there. I'm just hanging in there.

Im now sitting at my kitchen table after spending the rest of the morning playing with Jayden. He's so gorgeous and I love him so very much. I've come to make myself a cup of tea and I'm feeling like a volcano ready to burst. I know I'm super stressed and seeing that mother and daughter today truly crushed me. Shit I'm so scared.

I can't even say what I'm scared off as I'm too scared too. Just the sheer mention of my fears and I'm freaking out.

I had to ring my dad about something trivial just now and I felt anger. Not at him but just in myself. The Volcano inside me, full of emotions. It feels like I'm ready to bite someone's head off or ball my eyes out until there's no more tears. Or both at the same time.

Jayden just found me having my cup of tea and came for a cuddle. Out of the blue he says " I'm going to be a dad one day mum" and that was it. The tears trying desperately to come out and me trying so hard to hold them back. I give him a big cuddle. My inner voice saying "please god, let him be a dad one day, please, please, please".



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