I'm so tired but I can't sleep. It's late. I'm tossing and turning in bed. Telling my self to just stop worrying , stop thinking and just sleep. I can't. Instead I cry. I'm scared and all I can feel is fear. I'm so very scared about Thursdays MRI.
It's been a really emotional weekend where I've tried so hard to Keep myself as busy as possible with my daughters birthday party on Saturday and her actual birthday tomorrow. But inside I'm a mess. An emotional wreck. I've been finding it so hard to contain these emotions.
I feel like I can't talk about anything without wanting to cry. The sheer mention of Jayden and I feel the tears coming. I'm just so worried. Really scared. Jayden has been unsteady on his feet a lot lately. He fell twice today. And he's getting this look. It's a similar look to the one he use to have before diagnosis. A sickly look. Pale face, grey under the eyes. Maybe I'm imagining it? I don't know. I hope I am. But I'm going out of my mind with worry and any minuscule change and I'm scared out of my mind. Crazy. Really crazy.
So scared . sleepless nights of sheer terror. Crying. So many tears. I'm lost. I don't know what to do yet I know I can't do anything. I have no control.
I wish sleep would come so I can stop the thoughts. Sleep. Then wake and get busy again in order to keep these emotions at bay. At night on my own with my thoughts....it's a nightmare. I close my eyes and my mind is a mess. Going to places that scare me beyond words. Stirring emotions I can't contain and leaving me crying into my pillow.
I just want to sleep. I wish when I woke it was all a bad dream. A shocking nightmare. And that we could go back to how life was. Before diagnosis. But I know that's not possible.
So I continue to ride this emotional roller coaster that has so many sickening bends, major lows and petrifying unknowns. Some days I manage it, but nights like tonight and the last few days are reminders that I'm not. That it's actually not possible and this is just the way it is.
I hope with all my might we get good news on Thursday and for every MRI Jayden has. Please, please, let that be so.
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