"Cuddle mum ", he asks after I turn the light off. I put my arm around him and hold him close. Within seconds, he's asleep.
Now I'm laying looking at the ceiling. Counting the edges from our room to the wardrobe to the bathroom. I've always done that. Counted things. When I'm trying to think about nothing. I count. Weird.
Of course I never get to the headspace where I think about nothing. A clear head. Never. Always full of thoughts. Always the same thoughts.
Snuggling my little man and watching him sleep. Seeing him so peaceful. Feeling like I need to cry. So worried about his MRI coming up. Scared.
His innocence. His little nose. Little face. Chubby little body. Little hands and feet. Just love my little man.
I look at the ceiling again. Paint peeling off in the corner. Must fix that. Sigh. Fans on high and squeaking, giving a small distraction to my thoughts. They never change. Maybe I might skip the channel in my mind for a second or two, but it flips right back just as quick.
I went out with two beautiful women last night. Both living nightmares of their own. One spoke of her every moment no matter how good, as having a ' flipside'. I understand this.
Every smile I get from Jayden, every laugh, cuddle, squeal, every moment, there's a flip side thought. The worry flips up straight after the moment. He smiles, how many will I get. He laughs, will I see him laugh this time next year? He cuddles me, how long will I be blessed with these cuddles. A wish for forever, a lifetime. But a very strong awareness of the unknown future.
He's so precious. He made me laugh so hard today with his antics. And as I laugh and see him smile I hurt so bad inside. Please, I hear myself say inside. Please let him stay with us for a long time. A lifetime. Oh please. Please.
He played with Layla for almost all day today. Swimming in the paddle pool. Playing in his room. She even got in the bath with him tonight which he was absolutely delighted about. He loves her. He said to me today "Layla looks after me". Oh yes. She sure does. She loves him and would truly do anything for him. Like a mini mum. I love hearing them together. I love knowing he's spending time with her. And her him. It's so special.
Love them both. And my other little man, of course. Little Luke.
Love them all. So much .
Need to join my other two to watch a movie. Never want to get up from my little man sleeping. Could watch him for hours. So precious. Love him so much.
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