Thursday, 27 February 2014


Another one of Layla's guinea pigs is sick. Dear little thing and we now have him inside with us so we can keep a close eye on him and hand feed him. He's one of her favourites. An old one. A male that we bought years ago to breed with her very first females but he turned out to be sterile and has been living happily with all of the females ever since, with no babies.

I fed him tonight and I felt so sorry for him. He's unwell and I think we are going to lose him. I'm taking him to the vets again tomorrow but I'm not feeling super confident.

I love that pets become part of your family but it's so sad when they get sick. Really sad to see my daughter so worried for him and wanting so bad for him to get better. She just loves her animals.

Layla's not well either at the moment. When she came home from school she started to feel ill and hasn't eaten dinner. She still fed her guinea pigs though. Bless. Always thinking of her animals. I remember when we were leAving for chicago and we were driving out of our driveway. She burst into tears and when I asked her what was wrong she told me she was worried about the guinea pigs and our dogs. They were of course fine and she was over the moon to see them again when we returned.

Right now I'm laying next to my boys as they sleep. My toe is aching but I know that's nothing. Jayden is quietly snoring. He's had a big day. I think he's now coming down with a cold. I feel like we just shouldn't have sicknesses in our house at all now. Like we've had more than our fair share and it should all just stop for a very long time. Everyone stay well from now on. That would be great. But, I would have a cold, belly ache, anything minuscule like that over what Jayden's been through , ANYDAY!

Feeling like I'm not going to finish this so will post more later.

**************************

I love brushing Jayden's hair. And I love it even more now that his curls are finally coming back. It's the simple things that mean so much. Every time I see it curl, I smile. I thank god that he's still with us, and he's with us as normal as he could be. Curls and all. So very grateful.



Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Tuesday

I think I'm doing alright and I even go to the length of cancelling appointments I think I no longer need. Then it hits me. It probably didn't help that I had an appointment at pmh today with the psychologist there and the drive in evokes memories in me that I spend my days and nights suppressing. I turn the music up on the radio as I drive in in a desperate attempt to take my mind off the thoughts that come, but it fails. Because the thoughts aren't just an active memory in my mind but a whole body feeling and I might be able to drown the specific thought out but not the feeling.

I pulled up in the carpark at the hospital and I began to feel faint. My legs felt weAk and I didn't want to go in. Not because I didn't want to go to my appointment but because I didn't want those memories to come back into my mind. Sometimes when I come here it's not too bad but today, it's really hard. I'm hurting.

As I walk up the path to the doors my heart aches. Images of a time when we walked up here with Jayden haunt me and this walk brings them back.

**************

It's much later in the evening now. I had my appointment at PMH which went well. I'm so glad I never cancelled it. We talked about a lot of things and I had the big cry I needed that day.

***************

It's the next day. So many interruptions and not being able to finish entries. But the interruptions are far more important than the entries. Right now I'm sitting in the doctors surgery waiting for the doctor to remove my toe nail. Yes, my toe nail. Earlier today I was moving furniture and my husband decided to help by giving the couch an almighty heave right over my toe, ripping my big toenail off so it's left hanging. Ouch. Yes, was not a nice feeling. Jayden was beautiful with his concern and fuss over me. Not the least bit stressed about the blood or the site of it all. Very calm and helpful. Bless. I imagine he's thinking it's nothing compared to what he's been through and seen.

So here I am, sitting waiting with a disgusting looking toe. Would take a photo but I really think that's just gross, so won't.
My little man is at home with dad and has been quite the champ at being ok with me going places without him these days. Bless. He makes me so proud.

Ok. It's out. My whole toe nail has been taken out. No more big toe nail.

**************

Back again and it's now late in the evening. Both my boys are in bed asleep on either side of me and I'm about to get up and join my daughter to help her with her homework. Love my kids. Love having them with me. Love being their mum.

Jayden was quite whingey this afternoon which I hope was because he was tired but as always, I worry myself senseless. Luke's having issues with his eyes again and I'm never certain whether he actually has a problem or he says it for attention. Either way I'm not sure who else I could take him too. He's been to two eye specialists, and had an MRI and I feel I've pretty much covered everything with that. However, I'm still concerned. Can't help it.

Not much else has been happening these last couple of days except my usual worry about Jayden and getting through the days as best we can. Appreciating each one and never taking any for granted.

I did have a good chat with the psychologist at PMH the other day and he helped me to decide that maybe it's not a good idea to stop taking my antidepressants which was something I've been wanting to do but a little frightened to do to be honest. I hate having to take any kind of medication but I'm beginning to think this one I just have to make an exception for.

It's hard to admit that you can't get through this without that help. And even with it, it doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't stop the fear and it doesn't stop the sadness. Nothing can do that. But without the help it's a whole lot harder.

It's late now and if I don't stop writing I will never end up posting this so I'm stopping now. My little man and his beautiful brother are snoring softly, almost in sync with each other . Love my little men.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, 23 February 2014

I haven't written in here for days. Mainly because both Jayden and I have been ill. By Friday night I was really unwell with this awful gastro bug and was baffled as to how Jayden got through it so well. I could barely keep it together as the stomachs pains were so excruciating that I couldn't sleep. Honestly, he made it look easy and I wasn't, at all.

By Saturday I wasn't any good to anyone and spent the day between the bed, couch and toilet, no fun at all and was extremely over joyed when I woke up this morning feeling semi- normal. So very grateful for that.

My little man was a true treasure through it all. he stayed home with me on Saturday morning while danny took the kids to swimming lessons . He was just beautiful. Playing quietly and got me a drink of water without me asking, just thought I might need one. Beautiful. All three kids were wonderful actually. They were just perfect for the whole day and I just love them for being so considerate. Of course when I woke up well today, it was all back to the normal. Well, the normal that we know anyway.

Jayden has had some really rough nights lately and a really bad one a few nights back where he woke up screaming on three separate occasions and frightened us senseless. Really awful stuff. He wound up sleeping practically on top of me with his arms tightly around my neck. So frightened and wouldn't let me go. So worried for him. Honestly it scared me to see him so frightened. Hate to think what his nightmare was about and hope it was because of a nightmare and nothing else.

Still worried about everything and anything Jayden is doing. He's been realty tired lately and that's got me in yet another tail spin. Honestly I wish we had something that we could just zip him through everyday to check for anything so I could just relax.

We had a really nice day in today with the kids . Didn't go anywhere except to do a bit of shopping. just hung out and it was lovely. Digging in the sand, playing with the guinea pigs and making a chocolate cake!

Layla and Jayden played together most of the morning. He just loves her company and she is so wonderful at playing with him. They play with his toy kitchen, dolls and just about everything, for hours. Love seeing them together. We missed Luke today as he went to his friends house and it wasn't the same without him. Am really going to miss my kids when their friends become a big part of their lives. Hope that comes slowly.

I'm now laying next to my little man and watching him sleep. Love him so very much. So please he doesn't have his tummy bug anymore and hope he stays well for a very very long time. Until he's old and grey like his grandad. All three of my kids. That would be a dream come true.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Tummy pains gone

Since the kids have been back at school this year I feel like i have so much to do. Running around all the time and not spending the time I know I should be, doing what matters. Jayden seems to be forever asking me to play and lately I seem to have a million things to do that stops me. Then I find myself hating myself because I did the washing or hung out the clothes, made the phonecall, cooked dinner and no time left for Jayden.
I hate days like that. Then I lay in bed like I am tonight and feel like crap because I didn't spend more time with him. I beat myself up about it and worry I will live to regret hanging the clothes out or whatever other irrelevant chore I did instead of spend time with him.

I love the evenings where we sit together and read books and talk about stuff and things but I wish I spent more time like that during the day. Poor little man. Makes me feel so sad that I've lost any precious time with him.

It's the following day and I took Jayden down to the park with my dear friend and the three of us hung out. She's so wonderful with him and makes him feel so special which is so nice. When she left I sat down with him and played Lego but again I had to be up and off to pick up Layla not long after and again I feel so damn guilty for doing so.

Fortunately his tummy pains seem to have gone and I have them now, which isn't nice but a good thing as now I know it's most likely a virus. I will still panic of course but for now his tummy is ok and that's a great thing. Yah for that.

I'm now waiting for Layla to come out of school and I'm missing my little man terribly. He usually comes with me and we jig around to the tunes on the radio as the car is parked outside the school and have a laugh. Have taken loads of great videos of these afternoons. He didn't come today as it's way to hot to have him sitting in the car with me. Better to stay home in the air conditioning with dad. But miss him.

Speaking of videos I have been searching through old videos I've taken for ones of our beautiful neighbour to put in a movie/collection for her son. I thought it would be nice for him to have all those memories. Amongst the videos were ones of Jayden pre diagnosis and after and just so many beautiful memories. I look back on those days and often only remember the sad days but looking at them these last few nights and I find there were so many happy days. We made the most of the situation that was thrown at us and tried to make it as happy as possible. I know inside it was eating me up and all I wanted to do was cry a lot of the time but we all kept on smiling as much as possible. I'm so proud of us all.

Still every time I think about it I tear up. I don't think that will ever stop. I will always miss the family we once were. The normal life. I will always grieve for that. For that was the life where my sons life wasn't threatened and we knew none of what we know now. Will always wish for that back.

Jayden's having a great day today. Happy, smiling and no tummy pains. He's complaining of a sore leg now but I think that was because he wanted me to pick him up however I always take him seriously. Last night as we lay in bed after we turned the light off he said his tummy still hurts. I told him if he goes to sleep his body will fix itself and he will be better in the morning. He said "that doesn't always happen mummy. Sometimes you're body doesn't fix itself and you get sicker". I'm not sure where that came from and I'm sure he wasn't thinking as deeply about it as me but it really hit a raw nerve. I told him he was right but not in this case and he would get better. But my heart ached so much and inside My head I'm saying "please don't that ever happen, please make him stay well forever".
We briefly talked about jenny and how her body couldn't fix itself and not long after that conversation he was fast asleep. I lay there watching him for what seemed like hours. My magic little man. I just love him so much. I hope and pray with all my might that his body always fixes itself and that he always stays well.







Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Tummy pains

My little man still has tummy problems going on and his appetite hasn't been the best. Am trying not to be overly concerned and I know there's not much a doctor will do or can do at this point but it's awful to see him in pain.
He came with me to drop Layla off at school yesterday morning and on the way he would curl over in his seat quietly and when I asked him if he's ok. He tells me his tummy hurts. He must have seen the look on my face of sheer concern and he says "don't worry mum, it's just a small one". God I love him. Just wanted to stop the car and grab him in a big embrace. He's just such a little soldier. Carries on no matter what.

After we dropped Layla off we went to the zoo. His tummy pains were happening there as well but he would just stop, curl up, and ride it through, then get back up and keep going. They must have hurt pretty bad for him to just stop but he just moves through them and forgets about them as quickly as they came. He was the same at adventure world and today. I wish I could just make them stop. Just make all pain whatsoever never touch him ever again.

I've just finished reading him books and he's now sound asleep next to me. He's in bed really early tonight as he was so very tired. I'm hoping it's just because he was up early this morning but of course I can't help but worry myself senseless. Feeling very emotional today.

When I was reading to him tonight he stopped me to chat to me about the day and I found myself watching him as I often do, thinking so deeply about him as he chatted to me. How much I love him and how scared I am of ever losing him. As the thought hits my mind my eyes well up with tears. I shut them down as quick as they come as the last thing I want is Jayden worrying about me crying. The tears wake me from my thoughts and snap me back into focus on Jayden. I just love him so much. He's little face, dimples, big brown eyes, his beautiful hair, his magic smile. When I look at him everything else is a blur. All I see is him and nothing else. I don't ever want to live in a time where he is not there. Where I can't see his smile or feel his touch.
Really feeling emotional now. Lack of a good night sleep is not helping and the past few weeks have been tough. I know how I'm feeling is nothing in comparison to families I know who have lost loved ones.

Life just seems so bloody unfair.

I should sleep. Feeling like I need to cry. A big cry. One that's been sitting down low for sometime and just needs to come out..

Both my boys are asleep now. Love them so very much. I read Luke a book on his own tonight as Jayden went to sleep early. It was nice to have that one on one time. He seems so big now. They grow so fast. I just hope with all my might all three of my kids get to grow up, be teenagers, adults, parents and grandparents. I so hope for that. Life is so precious and I hope with all my might that they all get long, happy ones.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, 16 February 2014

Adventure World


Today we all went to the ward 3b day at Adventure world. It was a really wonderful day where we were able to catch up with a lot of other families we haven't seen in a while, meet new ones and spend it all at a great theme park.

It was an emotional day. Catching up with everyone and seeing so many new families and their beautiful children. I can't explain it but I kept feeling like I needed to cry. Every face I saw had a story and each one about an innocent child. Their child. It Was very sad. It also came with a feeling of warmth. Of understanding and a feeling of belonging. Belonging in a club, that no one would chose to be in, but are. As sad as our stories all are, it was nice to know we have each other and events like this remind us that we are all out there, and are there for each other. That we are not alone.

The kids loved it. Jayden especially. There were people dressed in animal costumes. A big blue dinosaur was his favourite. He loved him and wanted me to take him up to meet him as soon as he saw him. When we walked up to this blue dinosaur Jayden raced up to him and gave him a hug. Oh my goodness, it took my breath away. My other two would never have done that as they were always too shy and Jayden normally too, but not today. I was so disappointed I didn't get it on film. Would have been a perfect picture! So very cute! This was a moment I felt like crying.

Every moment I get with him where I see him smile or laugh takes my breath away and makes me want to cry. The sheer joy of seeing him happy warms my heart like nothing on this earth.
To know that he is truly enjoying something, anything, means the world to me. I just want his life to be filled with so many of those moments. For All my kids to have that.


We went on rides that were suitable for Jayden (not too scary-right up my alley) and he swam in the toddler pool area. Luke and Layla went with Danny on the big slides and other rides.


Jayden also had his face painted like a blue dinosaur! But the other two weren't so game.




Great day. Thanks Adventure World for making my kids smile.

Friday, 14 February 2014

Really worried about my little man. I know I'm always in a state of worry but lately I feel like it's peaked, the anxiety kicking in and the inability to concentrate on anything else, but worry for Jayden.

He has really bad diarrhoea today. Really bad and the pain of the stomach cramps have been making him turn pale in the face. I know it hurts, it's obvious but he manages to get through each one without too much upset. He's such a Strong little fella, he amazes me.

He hasn't been sleeping very well lately either and that's been really worrying me too. Often he has nightmares that are difficult to wind him down from. Always after midnight, always very upset. Hate seeing him like that and constantly worry that it's memories of his treatment.

So I'm worried. Really feel anxious today and can't seem to shake it. Then I worry that my feelings might be a sign? A mothers intuition and I get myself all worried and worked up even more. Honestly, my mind I know, is definitely my worst enemy sometimes. Or is it?

It's Friday night and I've just put my little man to bed. He's happily sleeping and I'm about to join my older two to watch a movie before bed. Having a much better time parenting my son Luke at the moment after a long chat with the wonderful lady Nick put me onto from the hospital. She really knows her stuff and put it out there so simply that the small changes I had to make weren't difficult and made all the difference. So happy about that and feel so much more connected to him again it's really wonderful.

I'm going to go join them now and will finish this entry off with some photos a beautiful person we know sent me today that were taken in Chicago in the middle of Jayden's treatment. It so hard to look at these. I can't believe how little he was. Just a baby.
Love my baby so very much .









My son Luke just looked over my shoulder and looked at these photos. "mum, those pictures make me really sad". he said.
I couldn't agree more.

Thursday, 13 February 2014


R



I went to the park with Jayden today and saw a woman there that I know well. Lovely lady. She mentioned to me the passing of the wonderful woman I wrote about earlier in this blog. She said to me, " you must be so upset? You knew her for so long." A huge sense of guilt swept over me because I didn't feel upset. Not in the sense that I was overcome with sadness. Yes, I'm sad there's no doubt about that and I'm really, really sad, for her family whom now have to tread through life without her. But I'm also happy for her. I'm happy that she had such a long life. A life with family, children and all the things you would want to achieve in life. She was a real treasure and she got to live that life touching everyone with her love on the way. Sadly, I also know of three beautiful boys who passed away in the last fortnight whom only got to be kids. Now that's tragic. And when I'm faced everyday with the fear of losing my own beautiful boy then often it feels like I have no more sadness left in me. That what I do have is reserved for what I know in my life to be truly bloody tragic. I said this to the woman in not so many words. And she was so beautiful in saying " don't feel guilty leisl, this is just where you're at in your life right now, it's ok". I was so relieved to hear those words and it has given me the strength to write my thoughts down today. Because I often hide within them thinking Im a bad person for feeling the way I do. That, why Aren't I crying everyday for the loss of this beautiful woman? Does that make me hard? Uncaring?

I just don't have the ability to do that anymore and it scares me. It's not that I'm not sad and it's not that I don't miss her terribly it's that my degree of sadness is not the same as it would have been had I not been through what our family has been through, what I know now. What I see and hear everyday and after going to a child's funeral and then several, you are never, ever the same again. And the fear of the reality of that happening to my own son is so overwhelmingly gut wrenching that I just don't have the capacity or privilege of being devastated over the loss of a very special lady in my life.
I'm gutted because I can't be gutted, and I know the reasons why I can't be. And those reasons are awful. I know I've changed so much as a person and it hurts to know that. It's further validation that I'm different. Different to those that haven't been through this nightmare, and exist within a world that only those that have lived this, know.
It makes me feel isolated and unable to relate to those that aren't living in the world I live within. When events such as the sad passing of a beautiful person in my life occurs I can no longer say how I feel because of the fear of being misunderstood. And it's not that I don't think other peoples feelings aren't warranted or real, because I do, they are and I know that. I just sit amongst it knowing they are no longer mine and wishing that they were. Wishing I could feel like that again but knowing that is never possible. For I know I am no longer the person I once was and never will be.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Last few days In pictures

Have tried to write in here so many times over the past week but keep starting and not finishing. So instead of doing that again I'm just going to post the last few days in pictures.



Staying home from Kindy!


Feeding Layla's guinea pigs for her because she had sport after school.



Hanging out with his mate


Waiting in the car with mum for Layla to finish school.



Sliding at the park


Hiding in the cupboard


At the park with big brother Luke













At the zoo with me





Drawing a picture


Playing dress ups with mum





Big smiles for today .

Love my little man.

Sunday, 9 February 2014

A special lady

It's Sunday night and I'm about to put the boys to bed. I'll no doubt start writing this and they'll come looking for me as they often do when they realise I'm not close. Love being a mum.

Last night a beautiful lady I know very well, passed away. Dear woman whom I loved dearly. She was very close to my mum and since my mums passing she has been a beautiful surrogate grandmother to all my kids. They will all miss her dearly especially Jayden. We all will. I hope that she is with my mum now. I hope there is a life after this one where she is now happy and laughing with my mum. I hope so.

I haven't stopped thinking of her since we got the phone call this morning. Her family in shock.

Death is such a final thing and the thought of never seeing her again is very sad. She was old though and had a wonderful life and I know she would not want me to be sad but instead remember her and to always look out for my kids. Kids were her priority, always. She adored my children and when Jayden became ill, it crushed her. Her heart was so big. It was frail and I think what ended up being the cause of her passing , but it was big. She would have done anything for us. Anything. Especially for Jayden.

Jayden doesn't understand what it means for her to have passed away and it will be hard for him , when he does. Not to be able to see her, have one of her famous biscuits she makes that both my boys adore. A big warm cuddle from her. Or simply just to sit and chat with her. They use to sit together for ages out on her porch and chat over a cup of tea. I always loved coming home to see him with her sitting on the chairs together chatting. He was so happy in her company. There is something so special about the relationship between a very young person and a very old person. Precious. And they had one of those relationships. Truly special.

She told me she always prayed for Jayden and her family and friends overseas did too. I will miss her so much. She loved him so much. He was her "gold" she would say. Where ever she is now, I hope she is happy. I hope that she watches over Jayden with my mum and is still with him in some way.
I hope That she can still see us and know that we loved her and always will.


Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Decision made

It's 5:00am and I decided to get up as I have been laying awake in bed for sometime. I fell asleep with the boys last night as I was exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. An emotional wave came crashing through yesterday and by the evening I didn't want to cry or think anymore.

After I wrote in this blog yesterday I found the rest of the morning really difficult. I felt like I was where I was emotionally 12 months ago or more. As if the Kindy experience rehashed emotions that I have managed to suppress for so long. A lot of tears. Through it all a doctor from pmh happened to ring concerning Jayden's neurological psych assessment thats coming up. I found myself balling my eyes out to her and thankfully she was able to put me on to someone who could help.

So as to be expected we didn't go to Kindy yesterday. The doctor I spoke to helped me to make that decision and once I did it felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Looking back I'm sad I allowed myself to agonise over it so much. It made sense to go with my feelings and I shouldn't have fought that. Neither of us are ready yet and to just hold off for a while isn't going to hurt anyone. But I allowed myself to feel guilty. Like I was doing the wrong thing.

I did try and speak to the Kindy teacher about staying but she wasn't overly happy about that as she worried the other kids would want their parents to stay. I have to say I'm bit unsure why that's such a bad thing anyway? Why are we in such a hurry for our kids to break away from us? Is it not ok for it to be a gradual thing? I would be far happier if Jayden got to a point after gradually easing him into it where he was ready to be ok with me leaving him. Which I believe he would be. Instead of stressing his little body out even more after all it's already been through.
But that wasn't really an option they were entirely comfortable with. I knew then that what was expected of us, neither of us can do right now.

I held my other son Luke back from school as he was a June baby and I knew he wasn't ready. For a number of reasons. We didn't even put him into three year old Kindy until we felt he was ready which was not until the last term of the year. And the following year he went to school Kindy. Without a doubt the best decision We ever made. Because he was ready. He's doing ok at school now and he's made a lot of wonderful friends. So when my friend said to me yesterday. "You never felt guilty keeping luke at home another year so don't let yourself feel that way with Jayden." She was right. I'm not going to rush him or me and I'm not going to beat myself up about it any longer either.

When I told Jayden Yesterday that we weren't going to Kindy he was so happy and couldn't wait to tell his brother and sister when they got home. At the dinner table his favourite thing was "not having to go to Kindy" and his grateful thing wAs "mum not taking him to Kindy". Enough said. I know now though that both mum and Jayden need to work on separation anxiety and most importantly, to stop thinking there's a race going on that we have to compete in.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Not feeling strong

It's Wednesday morning and Jayden Luke and I are up super early. They're off playing in the bedroom at the moment and I've just finished making lunches for the kids for school and sitting down for a cuppa.

Reflecting on yesterday and Jayden's first day of Kindy. Feeling so damn grateful that he has reached this milestone and hoping with all my might he gets to reach so many more.

I'm also torn about what I'm going to do about Kindy today.
When I picked Jayden up yesterday he was balling his eyes out, grabbed me so tight around the neck and wouldn't let me go. Later he told me how unhappy he was and scared that I wasn't there and doesn't want to go back.

It's not that I haven't had this from my other two kids and it was hard but with Jayden it's really difficult. His tears stir emotions up in me that the others didn't as much. I can't explain it accurately as I know I've tried before. I know it has to do with post traumatic stress disorder related to memories of the past, his diagnosis and treatment. I know I will never forget what he's been through or the strength he had to have to get through it. It will always be there in my mind along with the terrifying fear of the future. So when he cries, I often react like I would when he's in treatment. I don't often give it the "normal" response that it deserves. I can't help myself. I immediately go into super protection mode and inside I'm a mess. I try really hard to contain it so on the surface I'm sure it all looks quite normal but inside I know it's not. I know I shouldn't be giving it the emotional response of stressing so much. But often I do. There are times (although few) where I don't, these times are where I can see it for what it is, like a grazed knee or something other that's clear on the surface. more often than not though, if he's upset I'm a mess or having a Heart attack over an unusual behaviour. memory's don't die and the ones I have of him upset in the past will most certainly live forever.

Those memories often feel so very fresh and I wonder if there will ever come a time where they don't. I wonder if there will ever come a time that I'm not hypersensitive about everything Jayden.

I feel for my other kids as well, as they must feel it. They must know I jump higher when Jayden cries, I run faster to his rescue and I'm panicked by anything out of the ordinary with him. The other day we went scooting and Jayden stopped and complained about his back hurting." Where does it hurt" I found myself saying and feeling panicked. Thinking" what if it's tumour returning in his spine", bare in mind he only had his MRI three days before but logic just doesn't come into it. Layla must have noticed the sheer panic and concern in my face or heard it in my voice as she said "mum, my back hurts too. It's just from leaning over and riding the scooter. It happens to me all the time. That's all it is mum". I looked at her and thought "am I that transparent?" Obviously I am. And then I felt sad for my daughter as this is a time that I am aware of her awareness. What about all the other times? There must be thousands.

So I'm sitting here now trying to give Jayden's Kindy afternoon today the same thoughts I would for Layla or Luke, because after all I want him to feel normal. But is allowing him to be upset normal? Should I let him learn it's ok to feel scared when he's already had hundreds of lessons on that? A huge part of me just wants to say "blow it " and leave him home as that's where he's happiest and that would be the easy option for both of us. And that same huge part just can't bare to see him upset anymore and feels he's had enough hardship to last a lifetime. But then there's the very small part that I still have left that has a smidgen of logic in it. That part, that says maybe he's actually going to enjoy this? When he gets over the fear he will be happy there?

This also means pulling myself together to jolly him along and say positive things about Kindy this afternoon when I'm not feeling positive about it at all. I want him home. I don't want to miss out on a second of his life and if I'm thinking of myself then home he would stay.

Kindy starts at 12:15 today and it's now 9:30 and I've dropped the other two off at school. I've barely mentioned Kindy to him as I'm frighten about upsetting him and Feeling like a pansy of a parent. I feel like I'm not doing it " right" and I need to pull my head in and just send him. Harden up, as some would say. I just can't stop thinking of my little man as that precious baby so sick and not wanting him to ever live another moment again, in sadness......


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, 3 February 2014

Calm

They just phoned me and he's ok. It took about 15 minutes to calm him down and now he's playing happily.

I'm relieved but also sad. Even though I wanted to know he was ok I think I also wanted them to tell me to come get him.

I miss him.

I know he's only down the road but I miss him so much it hurts.

So looking forward to picking him up at 11:30. Hope it goes quick!




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

First day of Kindy!

Jayden has his first day of Kindy today. An event I once thought we would never see. I'm so grateful that we are.

I never slept last night worrying about how he would be and how it would make him feel me leaving him somewhere. We got him ready this morning and before we even left he was asking not to go. When we pulled up in the carpark he was nearly in tears and it took all my might not to ball my eyes out as well.
We took him in and he was holding on to my legs, not wanting to let go. Managed to coax him into playing playdoh and slowly all the parents began to leave. I was the last one there with him and I didn't want to go. He knew what was going to happen and I could see his little face so worried. I asked the teacher for some advice. But basically there is no easy way to leave.

A big cuddle, a promise I will be back soon and the teacher gently took him from me. Tears poured from my eyes as soon as I turned to leave and I could hear him screaming for me to come back. Bloody gut wrenching. Memories of a time where things were truly shit flashes before my eyes and every part of me wants to run back and grab him. Reluctantly I don't and instead drive away desperate to get home and by my phone.

Home and sitting by the phone waiting for them to call me to come get him. Desperately wanting to go get him anyway and bring him home. Torn between the knowledge that he will eventually be ok and the feelings that I don't want him to ever be upset, no matter what the reason.

Leaving it for half and hour then I'm calling......


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, 1 February 2014

Orientation day at New Kindy

Jayden had his orientation day at his new Kindy on Friday. New in that it's the local 3 year old Kindy as opposed to the school Kindy. We were initially going to send him to school Kindy because that's where his birthdate sits but after a lot of talk with a lot of people including Dr Nick we decided to hold him back and send him to a three year old Kindy instead.

I'm so pleased we did as the school Kindy is five full days a fortnight and the school curriculum in Kindy now is a lot different to what it use to be. He's not ready to learn but he is ready to play and he's already missed out on so much of that. He's also a May baby so he would be one of the youngest in his class if we were to send him to the school Kindy. And With the loss of nearly a year of normal development this would just make it hard for him.

The three year old Kindy we are going to send him to is only two half days a week and to be honest I'm much happier with that and I think he will be too.

So we went to see his new Kindy on Friday to check it out and meet the other kids in his class. The other added bonus to this Kindy is his dear little friend who use to be our neighbour will be in his class too. And he adores her. Nice. He's very excited about that.

When we pulled up out the front of the Kindy and parked I looked back at him to see a very very stressed out expression on his face. "I want to go home mummy". He looked so scared and I instantly felt what's it's going to be like on his first day . Both of us, really nervous.
I managed to coax him in by reminding him I wouldn't be leaving this time, as he knows that's what will be happening.
So worried for him.

We went in and he got to play with the toys and meet his truly beautiful teacher. Honestly I don't think you could get a more warm and gentle person as a teacher . I loved this lady. I told her about what Luke had said about this Kindy........

On the night of the day we took Jayden to his orientation day at the school Kindy I was talking to Luke. I told him how Jayden didn't seem to like it and how we left early. I also felt the other kids seemed a lot older than him. I just wasn't sure about it all. Luke said "mum, I don't think he's ready for that Kindy. I think you should send him to the Kindy you sent me to first. They really looked after me there. And I didn't have to stay there for a long time. I think you should send him there". The seed was planted then and shortly after I was looking into doing exactly that.

........Back to Jayden's Kindy teacher. I told her this story and how Luke's memory of this Kindy and her were very fond memories. From hearing this Tears welled up in her eyes. Immediately I thought, this is the teacher for Jayden! I'm going to feel ok about leaving him with someone who cares so much. Beautiful lady.

Jayden was happy there playing playdoh and outside on the playground and after an hour we left to go home. Am still really nervous about his first day and leaving him for the first time with strangers but I'm confident he will be safe and cared for.

He came home to tell his brother and sister about his Kindy experience and they were both really happy for him.

His first day is Tuesday..... Not sure who's more nervous?



Playing in the playground at his new Kindy!