Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Not feeling strong

It's Wednesday morning and Jayden Luke and I are up super early. They're off playing in the bedroom at the moment and I've just finished making lunches for the kids for school and sitting down for a cuppa.

Reflecting on yesterday and Jayden's first day of Kindy. Feeling so damn grateful that he has reached this milestone and hoping with all my might he gets to reach so many more.

I'm also torn about what I'm going to do about Kindy today.
When I picked Jayden up yesterday he was balling his eyes out, grabbed me so tight around the neck and wouldn't let me go. Later he told me how unhappy he was and scared that I wasn't there and doesn't want to go back.

It's not that I haven't had this from my other two kids and it was hard but with Jayden it's really difficult. His tears stir emotions up in me that the others didn't as much. I can't explain it accurately as I know I've tried before. I know it has to do with post traumatic stress disorder related to memories of the past, his diagnosis and treatment. I know I will never forget what he's been through or the strength he had to have to get through it. It will always be there in my mind along with the terrifying fear of the future. So when he cries, I often react like I would when he's in treatment. I don't often give it the "normal" response that it deserves. I can't help myself. I immediately go into super protection mode and inside I'm a mess. I try really hard to contain it so on the surface I'm sure it all looks quite normal but inside I know it's not. I know I shouldn't be giving it the emotional response of stressing so much. But often I do. There are times (although few) where I don't, these times are where I can see it for what it is, like a grazed knee or something other that's clear on the surface. more often than not though, if he's upset I'm a mess or having a Heart attack over an unusual behaviour. memory's don't die and the ones I have of him upset in the past will most certainly live forever.

Those memories often feel so very fresh and I wonder if there will ever come a time where they don't. I wonder if there will ever come a time that I'm not hypersensitive about everything Jayden.

I feel for my other kids as well, as they must feel it. They must know I jump higher when Jayden cries, I run faster to his rescue and I'm panicked by anything out of the ordinary with him. The other day we went scooting and Jayden stopped and complained about his back hurting." Where does it hurt" I found myself saying and feeling panicked. Thinking" what if it's tumour returning in his spine", bare in mind he only had his MRI three days before but logic just doesn't come into it. Layla must have noticed the sheer panic and concern in my face or heard it in my voice as she said "mum, my back hurts too. It's just from leaning over and riding the scooter. It happens to me all the time. That's all it is mum". I looked at her and thought "am I that transparent?" Obviously I am. And then I felt sad for my daughter as this is a time that I am aware of her awareness. What about all the other times? There must be thousands.

So I'm sitting here now trying to give Jayden's Kindy afternoon today the same thoughts I would for Layla or Luke, because after all I want him to feel normal. But is allowing him to be upset normal? Should I let him learn it's ok to feel scared when he's already had hundreds of lessons on that? A huge part of me just wants to say "blow it " and leave him home as that's where he's happiest and that would be the easy option for both of us. And that same huge part just can't bare to see him upset anymore and feels he's had enough hardship to last a lifetime. But then there's the very small part that I still have left that has a smidgen of logic in it. That part, that says maybe he's actually going to enjoy this? When he gets over the fear he will be happy there?

This also means pulling myself together to jolly him along and say positive things about Kindy this afternoon when I'm not feeling positive about it at all. I want him home. I don't want to miss out on a second of his life and if I'm thinking of myself then home he would stay.

Kindy starts at 12:15 today and it's now 9:30 and I've dropped the other two off at school. I've barely mentioned Kindy to him as I'm frighten about upsetting him and Feeling like a pansy of a parent. I feel like I'm not doing it " right" and I need to pull my head in and just send him. Harden up, as some would say. I just can't stop thinking of my little man as that precious baby so sick and not wanting him to ever live another moment again, in sadness......

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