Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Decision made

It's 5:00am and I decided to get up as I have been laying awake in bed for sometime. I fell asleep with the boys last night as I was exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. An emotional wave came crashing through yesterday and by the evening I didn't want to cry or think anymore.

After I wrote in this blog yesterday I found the rest of the morning really difficult. I felt like I was where I was emotionally 12 months ago or more. As if the Kindy experience rehashed emotions that I have managed to suppress for so long. A lot of tears. Through it all a doctor from pmh happened to ring concerning Jayden's neurological psych assessment thats coming up. I found myself balling my eyes out to her and thankfully she was able to put me on to someone who could help.

So as to be expected we didn't go to Kindy yesterday. The doctor I spoke to helped me to make that decision and once I did it felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Looking back I'm sad I allowed myself to agonise over it so much. It made sense to go with my feelings and I shouldn't have fought that. Neither of us are ready yet and to just hold off for a while isn't going to hurt anyone. But I allowed myself to feel guilty. Like I was doing the wrong thing.

I did try and speak to the Kindy teacher about staying but she wasn't overly happy about that as she worried the other kids would want their parents to stay. I have to say I'm bit unsure why that's such a bad thing anyway? Why are we in such a hurry for our kids to break away from us? Is it not ok for it to be a gradual thing? I would be far happier if Jayden got to a point after gradually easing him into it where he was ready to be ok with me leaving him. Which I believe he would be. Instead of stressing his little body out even more after all it's already been through.
But that wasn't really an option they were entirely comfortable with. I knew then that what was expected of us, neither of us can do right now.

I held my other son Luke back from school as he was a June baby and I knew he wasn't ready. For a number of reasons. We didn't even put him into three year old Kindy until we felt he was ready which was not until the last term of the year. And the following year he went to school Kindy. Without a doubt the best decision We ever made. Because he was ready. He's doing ok at school now and he's made a lot of wonderful friends. So when my friend said to me yesterday. "You never felt guilty keeping luke at home another year so don't let yourself feel that way with Jayden." She was right. I'm not going to rush him or me and I'm not going to beat myself up about it any longer either.

When I told Jayden Yesterday that we weren't going to Kindy he was so happy and couldn't wait to tell his brother and sister when they got home. At the dinner table his favourite thing was "not having to go to Kindy" and his grateful thing wAs "mum not taking him to Kindy". Enough said. I know now though that both mum and Jayden need to work on separation anxiety and most importantly, to stop thinking there's a race going on that we have to compete in.

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