I went to the park with Jayden today and saw a woman there that I know well. Lovely lady. She mentioned to me the passing of the wonderful woman I wrote about earlier in this blog. She said to me, " you must be so upset? You knew her for so long." A huge sense of guilt swept over me because I didn't feel upset. Not in the sense that I was overcome with sadness. Yes, I'm sad there's no doubt about that and I'm really, really sad, for her family whom now have to tread through life without her. But I'm also happy for her. I'm happy that she had such a long life. A life with family, children and all the things you would want to achieve in life. She was a real treasure and she got to live that life touching everyone with her love on the way. Sadly, I also know of three beautiful boys who passed away in the last fortnight whom only got to be kids. Now that's tragic. And when I'm faced everyday with the fear of losing my own beautiful boy then often it feels like I have no more sadness left in me. That what I do have is reserved for what I know in my life to be truly bloody tragic. I said this to the woman in not so many words. And she was so beautiful in saying " don't feel guilty leisl, this is just where you're at in your life right now, it's ok". I was so relieved to hear those words and it has given me the strength to write my thoughts down today. Because I often hide within them thinking Im a bad person for feeling the way I do. That, why Aren't I crying everyday for the loss of this beautiful woman? Does that make me hard? Uncaring?
I just don't have the ability to do that anymore and it scares me. It's not that I'm not sad and it's not that I don't miss her terribly it's that my degree of sadness is not the same as it would have been had I not been through what our family has been through, what I know now. What I see and hear everyday and after going to a child's funeral and then several, you are never, ever the same again. And the fear of the reality of that happening to my own son is so overwhelmingly gut wrenching that I just don't have the capacity or privilege of being devastated over the loss of a very special lady in my life.
I'm gutted because I can't be gutted, and I know the reasons why I can't be. And those reasons are awful. I know I've changed so much as a person and it hurts to know that. It's further validation that I'm different. Different to those that haven't been through this nightmare, and exist within a world that only those that have lived this, know.
It makes me feel isolated and unable to relate to those that aren't living in the world I live within. When events such as the sad passing of a beautiful person in my life occurs I can no longer say how I feel because of the fear of being misunderstood. And it's not that I don't think other peoples feelings aren't warranted or real, because I do, they are and I know that. I just sit amongst it knowing they are no longer mine and wishing that they were. Wishing I could feel like that again but knowing that is never possible. For I know I am no longer the person I once was and never will be.
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