Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Tuesday

I think I'm doing alright and I even go to the length of cancelling appointments I think I no longer need. Then it hits me. It probably didn't help that I had an appointment at pmh today with the psychologist there and the drive in evokes memories in me that I spend my days and nights suppressing. I turn the music up on the radio as I drive in in a desperate attempt to take my mind off the thoughts that come, but it fails. Because the thoughts aren't just an active memory in my mind but a whole body feeling and I might be able to drown the specific thought out but not the feeling.

I pulled up in the carpark at the hospital and I began to feel faint. My legs felt weAk and I didn't want to go in. Not because I didn't want to go to my appointment but because I didn't want those memories to come back into my mind. Sometimes when I come here it's not too bad but today, it's really hard. I'm hurting.

As I walk up the path to the doors my heart aches. Images of a time when we walked up here with Jayden haunt me and this walk brings them back.

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It's much later in the evening now. I had my appointment at PMH which went well. I'm so glad I never cancelled it. We talked about a lot of things and I had the big cry I needed that day.

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It's the next day. So many interruptions and not being able to finish entries. But the interruptions are far more important than the entries. Right now I'm sitting in the doctors surgery waiting for the doctor to remove my toe nail. Yes, my toe nail. Earlier today I was moving furniture and my husband decided to help by giving the couch an almighty heave right over my toe, ripping my big toenail off so it's left hanging. Ouch. Yes, was not a nice feeling. Jayden was beautiful with his concern and fuss over me. Not the least bit stressed about the blood or the site of it all. Very calm and helpful. Bless. I imagine he's thinking it's nothing compared to what he's been through and seen.

So here I am, sitting waiting with a disgusting looking toe. Would take a photo but I really think that's just gross, so won't.
My little man is at home with dad and has been quite the champ at being ok with me going places without him these days. Bless. He makes me so proud.

Ok. It's out. My whole toe nail has been taken out. No more big toe nail.

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Back again and it's now late in the evening. Both my boys are in bed asleep on either side of me and I'm about to get up and join my daughter to help her with her homework. Love my kids. Love having them with me. Love being their mum.

Jayden was quite whingey this afternoon which I hope was because he was tired but as always, I worry myself senseless. Luke's having issues with his eyes again and I'm never certain whether he actually has a problem or he says it for attention. Either way I'm not sure who else I could take him too. He's been to two eye specialists, and had an MRI and I feel I've pretty much covered everything with that. However, I'm still concerned. Can't help it.

Not much else has been happening these last couple of days except my usual worry about Jayden and getting through the days as best we can. Appreciating each one and never taking any for granted.

I did have a good chat with the psychologist at PMH the other day and he helped me to decide that maybe it's not a good idea to stop taking my antidepressants which was something I've been wanting to do but a little frightened to do to be honest. I hate having to take any kind of medication but I'm beginning to think this one I just have to make an exception for.

It's hard to admit that you can't get through this without that help. And even with it, it doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't stop the fear and it doesn't stop the sadness. Nothing can do that. But without the help it's a whole lot harder.

It's late now and if I don't stop writing I will never end up posting this so I'm stopping now. My little man and his beautiful brother are snoring softly, almost in sync with each other . Love my little men.

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