Since the kids have been back at school this year I feel like i have so much to do. Running around all the time and not spending the time I know I should be, doing what matters. Jayden seems to be forever asking me to play and lately I seem to have a million things to do that stops me. Then I find myself hating myself because I did the washing or hung out the clothes, made the phonecall, cooked dinner and no time left for Jayden.
I hate days like that. Then I lay in bed like I am tonight and feel like crap because I didn't spend more time with him. I beat myself up about it and worry I will live to regret hanging the clothes out or whatever other irrelevant chore I did instead of spend time with him.
I love the evenings where we sit together and read books and talk about stuff and things but I wish I spent more time like that during the day. Poor little man. Makes me feel so sad that I've lost any precious time with him.
It's the following day and I took Jayden down to the park with my dear friend and the three of us hung out. She's so wonderful with him and makes him feel so special which is so nice. When she left I sat down with him and played Lego but again I had to be up and off to pick up Layla not long after and again I feel so damn guilty for doing so.
Fortunately his tummy pains seem to have gone and I have them now, which isn't nice but a good thing as now I know it's most likely a virus. I will still panic of course but for now his tummy is ok and that's a great thing. Yah for that.
I'm now waiting for Layla to come out of school and I'm missing my little man terribly. He usually comes with me and we jig around to the tunes on the radio as the car is parked outside the school and have a laugh. Have taken loads of great videos of these afternoons. He didn't come today as it's way to hot to have him sitting in the car with me. Better to stay home in the air conditioning with dad. But miss him.
Speaking of videos I have been searching through old videos I've taken for ones of our beautiful neighbour to put in a movie/collection for her son. I thought it would be nice for him to have all those memories. Amongst the videos were ones of Jayden pre diagnosis and after and just so many beautiful memories. I look back on those days and often only remember the sad days but looking at them these last few nights and I find there were so many happy days. We made the most of the situation that was thrown at us and tried to make it as happy as possible. I know inside it was eating me up and all I wanted to do was cry a lot of the time but we all kept on smiling as much as possible. I'm so proud of us all.
Still every time I think about it I tear up. I don't think that will ever stop. I will always miss the family we once were. The normal life. I will always grieve for that. For that was the life where my sons life wasn't threatened and we knew none of what we know now. Will always wish for that back.
Jayden's having a great day today. Happy, smiling and no tummy pains. He's complaining of a sore leg now but I think that was because he wanted me to pick him up however I always take him seriously. Last night as we lay in bed after we turned the light off he said his tummy still hurts. I told him if he goes to sleep his body will fix itself and he will be better in the morning. He said "that doesn't always happen mummy. Sometimes you're body doesn't fix itself and you get sicker". I'm not sure where that came from and I'm sure he wasn't thinking as deeply about it as me but it really hit a raw nerve. I told him he was right but not in this case and he would get better. But my heart ached so much and inside My head I'm saying "please don't that ever happen, please make him stay well forever".
We briefly talked about jenny and how her body couldn't fix itself and not long after that conversation he was fast asleep. I lay there watching him for what seemed like hours. My magic little man. I just love him so much. I hope and pray with all my might that his body always fixes itself and that he always stays well.
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